You know how you get super anxious every time you watch the kitchen scene from Jurassic Park? Fallen Kingdom is like doing that over and over again for two hours.
Warning: This article contains major spoilers for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.
Seriously, I have never been more stressed out while watching a movie in my life. At one point I leaned forward and practically put my head between my knees. If you haven’t seen Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom yet, I highly recommend it — but you may want to bring an oxygen tank with you.
I was pretty excited when the title sequence popped up. But I should’ve known this was all going to hell. How have I not learned this lesson yet?
And then Blue pops up and you’re all like, “Aww. She’s so cute! She loves him!” BUT ALSO NO THAT IS STILL A VELOCIRAPTOR. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT KITCHEN SCENE? THAT’S WHY WE’RE HERE, PEOPLE.
And then they’re all like, “You know what would make dinosaurs more terrifying? LAVA.”
AND SINCE WHEN ARE GIFS 3D? I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT.
So you escape the lava and you think you’re fine. But you’re not. Now you have to deal with a stampede. You know who died in a stampede? Mufasa. And he was a badass. You’re probably not a badass. AND THESE ARE DINOSAURS.
But it’s okay because the Queen is here to save the day. Except that’s still a fucking T-rex.
She’s. Not. On. Your. Side.
And then on top of the terror, you have to deal with heartache. I want a refund. I didn’t sign up for this shit.
Like, just when you thought you were starting to get everything in perspective and remember how dangerous these animals are, you have to go and feel bad for them.
I MEAN, THEY SHOT BLUE, GODDAMMIT. THE REAL MONSTERS ARE THE HUMANS.
And then they put in some funny scenes, you know? The giant T-rex is knocked out cold and accidentally pins Owen against the side of the cage. It’s totally hilarious and not at all dangerous. She’s still 100% asleep.
DID HE JUST SOMERSAULT THROUGH A T-REX’S GAPING MAW?
This is when reality really begins to bend. At some point you start to rationalize the situation. Not all dinosaurs are bad. Look at this guy. He helped Owen and Claire escape! YEAH AND THEN HE WENT TOSSING PEOPLE AROUND LIKE RAG DOLLS. INSURANCE ISN’T GONNA COVER THAT, YOU GUYS.
Okay, okay, okay. We haven’t even gotten to the most stressful part of this movie yet. Meet the Indoraptor. It’s basically the scariest dinosaurs mixed together to form a super Voltron dinosaur that could probably single-handedly take over the world and rule it with an iron claw.
I’m sorry but this is some Freddy Kreuger shit on steroids and I’m out. Nope. So much nope. All the nope I can give.
I TOLD YOU IT ALL COMES BACK TO THAT KITCHEN SCENE.
This Indoraptor is basically King Kong. But smarter. And faster. And 10,000% more evil.
So how can we make this situation any worse? I KNOW. Let’s put our main character three stories off the ground. With a little girl. On top of a glass roof. In the rain.
THEN let’s bring in our other main character and give her a gun specifically made to make the scariest dinosaur we’ve ever created go absolutely ballistic and relentlessly hunt down its target, never stopping until one of them is dead.
AND THEN let’s use that gun to target our beloved hero. THAT SEEMS LIKE AN EXCELLENT IDEA, SUSAN.
CLAIRE THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS. PLEASE.
Oh, yeah, and not only do you have to live with the fact that dinosaurs exist in general, but now there’s a very real chance they might end up in your backyard. NBD.
EXCEPT IT’S A VERY BIG DEAL. WHY WOULD YOU EVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE? BUILD A BOMB SHELTER AND NEVER GO OUTSIDE AGAIN.
I’m going to leave you with just one piece of advice:
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