11:00 am EDT, June 12, 2015

First watch: A newbie’s reactions to ‘Jurassic Park’

So THAT'S why people love Velociraptors so much.

Confession: In the 24 years that I’ve been alive on this planet, I’ve never seen Jurassic Park.

Okay, so that’s not the total truth. I did “see” it in freshman biology class but I don’t remember anything about it. Seriously.

Why? It’s because I was an honors/AP kid who took advantage of (some) movie days in classes to get homework done so that I could go to bed at a reasonable hour that evening.

So, aside from science class and walking through the Jurassic Park world in Universal Studios’ Islands of Adventure to get to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, I have no knowledge of Jurassic Park.

I plan to see Jurassic World with a friend once it hits theaters so I figured that now would be the best time to watch at least the first installment in the series.

Since it’s always fun to experience anyone’s first time doing something, below you’ll find my stream of consciousness while I was watching the movie. I hope you find my thoughts entertaining!

Related: Hypable Second Take: Jurassic Park

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Mosquito in Amber

0:05:00 I don’t like the look of that insect. Why don’t they just burn that piece of amber? I have a feeling that that specific insect is going to come back and bite the discoverers in the butt later. Literally and figuratively.

0:07:00 I think the sassy kid on the dig site is going to be my favorite character in the movie. I hope he sticks around and doesn’t get dragged off by a Velociraptor. Or three. Also, who talks to a kid about how he could be murdered by a Velociraptor?

0:13:00 Hold the phone. Fancy rich guy (who may or may not be Santa Claus in the most recent Miracle on 31st Street) saunters in, steals their champagne, and acts all mysterious while seemingly asking for a favor, but the two scientists are okay with it because he offers to fund their dig site for the next three years? I mean, I’d take that money too, but they didn’t seem the least bit worried.

John Hammond and His Walking Stick

0:18:00 John Hammond has the ominous-looking insect atop his walking stick. This really can’t be good. I give the insect an hour before it somehow comes to life and bursts through the amber, stinging people like those ones in Jumanji.

0:21:00 For this being a 20+ year old movie, these are still pretty good-looking special effects. I’d totally want to see all of those giant Brachiosauruses in real life. The one looks friendly enough; I hope she comes back in a helpful way when things start to go down.

0:22:00 I’m so happy for the two scientists; they’re seeing their work and their hypotheses (like the dinosaurs moving in herds) in real life. Since theories are being proven, I’m thinking that a character is going to die in the manner that Dr. Grant warned about earlier when talking about Velociraptors. I’m thinking it’ll be the chubby backstabber.

Jurassic Park Intro Video

0:25:00 That “Intro to DNA”/welcome video Hammond puts on is about the same quality as the other videos we watched in freshman biology. Although, the whole “sticking a needle into a fossilized mosquito” is definitely not something that’s normally taught in schools.

0:33:00 We’ve now gotten two warnings about Velociraptors, one from Dr. Grant and one from Robert Muldoon, so it’s pretty clear to me that there’s going to be at least one major Velociraptor pack attack. More than that, we’ll see clear signs of it and be able to pick out the warning signs (and clearly see the creatures’ intellect) that we’ve been instructed about.

0:35:00 I really like Dr. Malcolm’s argument about how Hammond’s scientists didn’t stop to think whether they should recreate dinosaurs when they realized that they could. I’m glad to see at least one person in this movie is hesitant about cloning from the get-go, but I’m also curious why it’s the mathematician that voices reservations and concerns first and not the scientists.

Welcome to Jurassic Park

0:42:00 Not gonna lie, going through those giant gates with the music playing gave me goosebumps.

0:50:00 I like how Dr. Grant walks toward the triceratops like he knows what he’s doing and knows how to interact with and help her even though he’s just used to dealing with bones. I hope his confidence doesn’t cause him to lose a limb because the triceratops looks so sweet!

0:53:00 Dr. Malcolm is officially my favorite character. He’s super intelligent and suave. Also, as soon as I saw the pile of dinosaur feces near the triceratops, I thought “That is one big pile of shit” right before he said the same thing! #twinsies

Cups of Water

1:02:00 So that’s where the “shaking cup of water” visual comes from. I had seen the first Jurassic World teaser and didn’t really understand the significance of the cup of water but I totally get the power behind it now. I hope they use this visual again later in the movie!

1:08:00 Bye bye, jerk-bag lawyer. While it sucks that he has to die this way, he does abandon two kids to save himself. But I have to say that the lawyer going out on the toilet is kind of funny. (You know, given the circumstances.)

1:12:00 Nedry is going to be murdered by Velociraptors. He has one of them in front of him which, according to Grant and Muldoon, means it’s bye-bye Nedry because there are two more just waiting for the signal to attack.

Acidic Dino

1:14:00 I apparently don’t know my dinosaurs because he got attacked by an acidic poison dinosaur, not a Velociraptor. (This is why I needed Jurassic Park in my life years ago; I need to know my dinosaurs!)

Not that it should’ve been a priority while he was being attacked by a dinosaur, but Nedry should’ve not let that shaving cream can go. The can rolling away into the mud and rainwater is going to be bad news for the future.

1:20:00 Seriously. Whoever thought of the whole water rippling thing to show the coming of the T-Rex was a genius because it’s simple but creepy as hell.

1:23:00 The next time my dad makes fun of my singing voice, I’m going to tell him “Well, at least I sing better than the Bracchiosaurus!” (But really though, this scene is super cool and a nice change of pace from, you know, the murderous T-Rex.)

Hammond, Sattler, and co.

1:37:00 First, Dr. Malcolm is the injured party, and then Dr. Sattler isn’t having any of Hammond’s sexism in “survival situations”? This is fantastic!

1:48:00 Oh, the famous eyeball in the kitchen door window shot was from Jurassic Park? I should’ve known (especially since there aren’t many dinosaur movies out there)! Also, I feel like I actually remember seeing this Velociraptor kitchen scene before! It’s terrifying, but super good!

1:52:00 I know it’s supposed to be impressive, but I find it hilarious every time a Velociraptor opens a door by turning the handle. It’s like “Biatch, please. There ain’t no locks in this place. No handle is going to stop me.”

DNA Raptor

1:55:00 It’s probably not a super celebrated shot or anything, but I’m loving the shot of the Velociraptor stalking around the control room of the visitor center where DNA sequences are being projected on its skin. That’s just super cool (you know, because it was basically a science experiment and started from those sequences).

1:57:00 I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see a T-Rex in my entire life! Also, random thought: Does anyone else have trouble remembering that the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are all supposed to be female? I’ve been conditioned to see dinosaurs as masculine, so I had to keep reminding myself that they are female in this movie.

1:59:00 Well, I was wrong. That little mosquito in amber didn’t come back to literally bite the people. It caused all of the chains of events, but not in the way I had imagined.

Jurassic Park: The End?

2:00:00 Wait, that’s it? That was abrupt! I thought that there would be something more after they left the island! Also, what happened to the awesomely sassy little boy from the beginning?! And the shaving cream can of dinosaur embryos? And, you know, all of the dinosaurs that are still left on the island? Please tell me that the sequel(s) answer at least one of my questions. Please.

Final thoughts

I really enjoyed Jurassic Park, much more so than I actually thought I would. I love how the effects have stood the test of time and how relatively progressive the movie is in terms of gender roles and dynamics, especially since it was released in the early 1990s. It’s just a fun ride that I look forward to taking again by rewatching Jurassic Park, checking out the sequels (including Jurassic World), and spending more time in the Jurassic Park area of Universal’s Islands of Adventure.

What’s your favorite part of the original ‘Jurassic Park’?

Related: Jurassic World review: Latest installment delights, terrifies, and shatters expectations

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