Everyone’s feeling uncomfortable with the news that Lionsgate wants to create a Hunger Games attraction at a theme park.
The source material doesn’t lend itself to a theme park ride or shop, but we’re going to try our best to help Lionsgate come up with ideas anyway.
In a press release this morning the studio said they’ve hired someone who will be exploring “additional theme park attraction and other location-based entertainment opportunities” on top of the just-announced “The Hunger Games: The Exhibition,” which will open next summer.
Okay, let’s give this a try…
Bad idea #1: Cornucopia Treasures
A park employee counts to three, then 24 participants run toward a cornucopia. In the center you’ll find stuffed animals, theme park hats, and copies of The Hunger Games on DVD (“No Blu-ray? What the hell?”). There are only twelve gifts lying within the cornucopia, so contestants must fight each other for a shot at winning one of the “exciting” prizes.
Bad ideas #2: Peeta’s Bread Factory – Sponsored by Subway
Walk into a bread baking factory and fire up the oven! A Peeta look-alike greets you with a million-dollar smile and helps you bake a loaf to its soft and warm perfection. For $20, you get to take your loaf home to enjoy with your family! If you don’t buy it, it will be fed to the District 12 actors roaming the theme park land.
Bad idea #3: Rue’s Rough Day
At this gruesome attraction, become Marvel and have the chance to send a spear through Rue. Three practice rounds before the game will let you improve your aim. If you don’t kill Rue, she’ll run free and end up winning The Hunger Games after she turns her back on Katniss.
Bad idea #4: Tribute Whac-a-mole
Wait for tributes to pop out of random holes in a machine and hit them as quickly as you can before they disappear! But whack cautiously, because Peeta will occasionally make an appearance. If you hit him, you automatically lose.
Bad idea #5: 75th Hunger Games Safari Excursion
Drive your own Capitol drone to tour the murderous hound and demon monkey forest. Around every turn you’ll find a surprise creature and/or dead tribute. Don’t get near poisonous fog or else you’ll need to crawl out of your vehicle and find some of that magic salt water! By the way, the park is selling small bottles of this water for $5 per 8-ounce bottle.
Bad idea #6: Katniss’ Blueberry Barn
A flagship eatery where you eat blueberries. Nothing but blueberries. Eat with caution, please! One in every 1,000 blueberries is a nightlock berry that will kill you instantly. The waiver that you signed when you entered the Hunger Games theme park made it possible for this to happen without any legal repercussions.
Bad idea #7: Cinna’s Tribute Boutique
Make your dream of entering the Capitol dressed to the nines for your favorite district a reality! No piece of clothing is priced lower than $100 (damn you, theme park prices!), and don’t even think about returning anything that doesn’t fit. You buy it, you keep it! Want Katniss’ wedding dress? That’ll be $10,000, please.
Bad idea #8: Mr. Snow’s Wild Ride
Begin your journey in a dystopian wasteland and then end up in the glory of the Capitol. President Snow will be with you the whole way as you go from hating the Capitol to believing it is the greatest thing to come down on the Districts. A photo op at the end of the ride lets you stand in Snow’s rose garden. The gift shop you walk through at the exit lets you purchase a glass rose designed by author Suzanne Collins.
What are your worst/best ‘Hunger Games’ attraction ideas?
Josh Nealey, Laura Byrne-Cristiano, Caitlin Kelly, Harri Sargeant, Jimmy Bean, Brittany Lovely, and Kristina Lintz contributed to this feature.