It’s back to school time, and as any good fandom enthusiast knows, homework and bullies can be the very least of your worries.

School is a place of learning and development, a place to cultivate interests and solidify dreams. But it’s also a place full of monsters and murderers.

Consider this your definitive guide to surviving school. No matter the problem, no matter the stakes, if you follow these rules, you’re bound to survive high school long enough to fight for your life all over again when you head to college.

Good luck.

Have a healthy, well-balanced start to your day*

*Must be at least 21 years old or an ageless, immortal being to purchase or consume alcoholic beverages

Never answer a phone call from an unknown number

Befriend the leader of your local motorcycle gang

Become a pragmatist

Follow your instincts

Always have a weapon at hand

Be aware of your surroundings

Adhere to the laws of horror movies

Don’t piss off any mutants

Realize that your life is more important than your homework

Play to your strengths

Literally just never go to a school dance

Learn to sleep anywhere and under any condition

Try not to piss off a serial killer

Admit when you’re afraid


Learn how to sweet talk your teachers

Befriend a superhero, even if they act a little… weird

Live your life one day at a time

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