The Tina loves Blaine loves Sam saga unfortunately continues when Tina begs Blaine to come clothes shopping with her after school. Every word she says to him is riddled with coyness and intensity, but he naturally accepts her innocent offer. A moment later, though, his jaw is on the floor as Sam enters the school wearing nothing but some board shorts, Ugg boots and sunglasses – in January. “Oh, sweet merciful Lord,” Blaine mutters, but composes himself, switching off his crush and approaching his friend, asking what the hell Sam thinks he’s doing. Blaine asks if Sam might be overcompensating a little, and tries to comfort him about his SAT scores, reminding him that he could take the test.
Sam, who is definitely overcompensating and is somewhat manic and wild-eyed once he removes the glasses, stutters out that if Blaine is jealous of Sam’s perfect form, then that’s Blaine’s problem. “For the record, Blaine has an awesome body and a perky and delicious behind that looks like it got baked to perfection by some sort of master chef,” Tina informs Sam, who looks incredibly disturbed by this description, as does Blaine himself. I think it’s best that we all move on as quickly as possible from that one. Sam says that if Blaine’s not speaking out of jealousy, that he should come along to the seminar he’s hosting in order to teach the other guys how to make the most of their bodies in preparation for the calendar. “Modern Centrefold: techniques that work for today’s hot young posers. Three-thirty, locker room, no chicks.” Tina and Blaine both look at Sam like he’s gone a little crazy as he pushes through them and struts off, but Tina, I am pretty sure your shopping date has just been cancelled.
At Sam’s seminar, he leads the guys through some fitness and appearance pointers, calling upon his past experience as a stripper. Artie is uncomfortable as he watches the other boys doing broga (yoga for bros) and learning how to man-scape. Sam dismisses his concern and the session breaks into the “Hot In Herre/Centrefold” mash-up. The guys strut through the locker room, and are joined by admiring Cheerios, who provide the song’s breathy oohs and ahhs, and help spray the boys with fake tan (the best moment here is Jake, with his mixed-race colouring, shaking his head in a “what the hell are you doing?” manner to the Cheerio that approaches him with the tanning spray). The performance switches to the choir room, where the Cheerios – acting as human barbells and other gym equipment – help the guys work out in front of the rest of the glee club, and then over a montage of Sam monitoring the fitness and weight of the rest of the boys, and finally pushing himself to keep working out even when the others depart. New Directions, apart from Artie, are very impressed with the classroom performance, and are hopeful about making lots of money off of their boys’ bodies.
One person who’s not too excited is Sue Sylvester. Looking to undermine Finn at every turn, she’s out to take him down for the “under-age pornography” that she claims he is producing, but he calmly walks away from her, unbothered. He calls her a hypocrite, reminding her of the rumours that she herself posed for Penthouse. Based on Sue’s reaction, it’s clearly true – I don’t really want to repeat the her ‘hypothetical’ description of her centrefold – but when Finn smirks and threatens to dig up the Penthouse and sell copies of that for his fund-raiser instead, she seems confident that he won’t be able to find it. It may be bravado, however, as she looks troubled as he leaves.
In the Bushwick apartment, Kurt is startled and disgusted when his new roommate Brody comes out of Rachel’s bedroom and plants his buck-naked ass down at the dining table. Brody tells Kurt that he’s trying to show Rachel that he supports her, and Rachel tells Kurt about the student film and the topless scene. Kurt is horrified, and both young men express some pretty extreme and ridiculous viewpoints about the issue at hand. Kurt claims that serious actresses don’t do nudity, and Brody states that if a woman wants to win an Oscar, she has to show her boobs. Kurt mourns the loss of Old Rachel, and her plaid skirts and insecurity, going as far as to call her “Slutty Barbie,” which is a bit rich when you consider that Kurt was the one to give her the New York Makeover in the first place.
Marley, attempting to take Brittany’s advice, calls Jake to the auditorium to “practice songs for Regionals.” She asks him to sing “A Thousand Years” with her and they sing about being in love, really intensely, into each other’s faces. They kiss, and Jake can tell Marley wants to say something… but she wimps out halfway through and runs away. “I love… this song but it’s not right for Regionals!” Meanwhile, Finn asks Artie to track down Sue’s Penthouse shoot, and after Artie agrees, he goes on to tell Finn about his insecurity in regards to participating in the calendar. At first, Finn tries to encourage him, but when Artie explains further, he advises his friend not to take part if he doesn’t want to, and calls him brave for being honest in regards to his feelings on the matter.
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