Apparently, a school musical only takes a week from casting to curtain, because it’s opening night and the very elegant Hummelberry grace the halls of McKinley once more, wandering nostalgically and pausing at their old lockers before they watch the show. They re-unite with Mercedes, who tells them of her life in California, taking classes at UCLA, recording as a session singer, and getting hit up by Puck for the numbers of any potential sugar mamas she may find for him. I’m sorry, why is this magical California Mercedes and Puck adventure time not getting its own spin-off? Would watch. Anyway she takes the pair backstage to see the cast, and then the inevitable, slightly less friendly reunion happens. Blaine stops in his tracks, shocked, when he sees Kurt, and when Blaine said he wasn’t expecting to see Kurt, the other boy is unable to answer, or even really look at, his ex, so Rachel answers for him, saying warmly that they wouldn’t miss it for the world. They’re then joined by Finn, who’s similarly stricken, though both Kurt and Rachel manage to talk properly to Finn, sharing news of Rachel’s upcoming audition. Blaine doesn’t manage any more conversation, holding his hands behind his back and unsure of where to look, so Finn speaks for both of them, saying “Look, this is really really weird, but the four of us have a lot of history between us, so I just want to say it’s cool you came to see our show. We’re pretty proud of it.” Blaine is, at this point, pressing his lips together in a white line and holding back tears, and he just looks at Kurt nervously and painfully before following Finn off. Overwhelmed, Kurt said it was a mistake to come, and Rachel is shaken too but tells him that they’ll get through it together, that they’ll hold hands, laugh, applaud and that they will never, ever let the boys see them so affected. Honestly I am not sure, at this point, why these two are bothering with relationships with anyone else besides each other. Gender, sexuality, whatever, these two are soul mates, please just be platonic and codependent for life.
They take their seats and the first number that we see staged is Blaine’s single Grease scene, “Beauty School Drop-Out.” It’s one of the best songs they’ve ever given Blaine – it fits him like a glove in every way, and you couldn’t have possibly cast him as anyone else in this musical. Darren Criss could have played a T-bird, sure, but Blaine Anderson was put on this planet to play Teen Angel much in the same way Sugar Motta was put on this planet to play Frenchy. The two of them re-creating this scene was perfection, and sounded wonderful vocally, but Blaine is still quite affected and sad. When he catches Kurt’s eye in the crowd he nearly falters, but pulls himself back together with a fake smile and some gusto. Kurt notices, sighs, and slumps in his chair, both upset himself and possibly upset that he knows he’s thrown Blaine off.
Meanwhile, Marley’s still not fitting her costumes – seriously, a two-inch difference in one day and no one is thinking to measure the skirt and not the girl? Kitty, like a good friend, leads her off to the bathroom to start puking, and this is where Ryder finds her, apparently mid-show. He yells at her to stop and she yells back while crying, and he then shares a dramatic story about his cousin, a wrestler pressured to lose weight who went through the diets, bulimia and finally laxatives. Marley’s expecting the story to have a grim ending, but when Ryder reveals that he did not die but instead lost control of his bowels in front of the whole school, Marley starts to laugh. Ryder comforts her and says matter of factly that he doesn’t want to kiss a girl with vomit-breath, either onstage or off, which is the least subtle foreshadowing in the history of television. He leaves her in the bathroom, and Marley begins to sing Sandy’s “Look at Me” reprise with a sense of resolve as she walks out to the wings to go onstage, watched by both Ryder and Jake.
As Santana gets into Pink Lady mode, Brittany comes over to join her. The two are all smiles and affection, as Brittany tells her that she’s glad Santana came back to play Rizzo. “I feel sad for Mercedes, but if her parents want her to be a boy, then, I don’t know, I guess it makes sense.” Wait, does Brittany really think that Wade and Mercedes are the same person? When Mercedes is actually there working on the musical as well? Really? You know what, never mind. Brittany misses Santana, Santana misses Brittany and claims the only reason she’s doing Grease was to see Britt again. Brittany gives her the sexy eyelashes and says that she’s not dating anyone new, and Santana sighs and reminds her that it would be fine if she was – that that’s the reason they broke up. But, she admits, with a cute face-scrunch, she’s glad that Brittany’s not dating. Oh yeah, this break-up is totally going to last. They literally can’t stop smiling at each other, and when Mike calls Santana onstage, Britt asks if she’s nervous. Santana says she’s not, but Brittany reminds her that because it’s a sad song, she needs to get into a sad headspace and use that – “like how we’re not together any more and it’s okay, but it still hurts a little bit… especially on Fridays, because that was our date night.” Santana’s face in the mirror as Brittany says this is just so beautiful and so distraught.
She goes on to perform “There Are Worse Things I Could Do” in a soulful manner, and in the second verse the song cuts to Cassandra, singing this as she sexy-dances with a shirtless, slicked-up Brody. Wade also takes a verse, singing with heartbreak over what Unique has lost, and by the end Santana has on her most vulnerable face as Brittany watches just off stage, and Cassandra is kissing Brody.
Mike grabs Tina as she comes off, praising her performance and saying how he’s spent all week wondering why they broke up, that it may have premature. Tina admits that that may be so, but that it has tested her, and that she’s liked what she’s discovered about herself – I guess shouty rageaholics are in style this season. She says she does miss him, though, and is open to talking things through. They hug. This scene is sweet, reasonable, healthy, and totally and utterly pointless. I’m pretty sure the only purpose it serves was to remind us of the Tina/Mike relationship so that the couple can be included in the big fantasy pair-off in the next number.
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