12:00 pm EST, February 14, 2015

Fandom crack-ship love letters

It’s Valentine’s Day and love is in the air! Here are four letters we imagine our favorite fandom crack-ships would write.

Bamon – ‘The Vampire Diaries’

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Dear Bonnie,

Hey girl, what’s cookin’? Pancakes? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I know you H8 pancakes. But seriously, how’s 1994? Make sure you invest in Myspace. PSYCH! Myspace is whack. Haha, I’m so funny! Wow, I bet you miss me. I miss you. Ugh, yeah… So… I know we’ve had our differences in the past. It always kind of bugged you how much I like to kill people, and like, it always kind of bugged me how totally uncool you were about my love of killing people. But anyway, we’ve gotten past that. And I’d like for us to move forward.

Because, you see, I kind of really miss your dorky DJ Tanner overalls. I miss your nagging voice screeching in my ear to stop leaving empty bourbon bottles around the house. I miss your sexy pixie cut that frames your face in the shape of a heart so whenever I look at it I remember how much I love you. When we go grocery shopping, it feels like we’re the only two people in the world. Speaking of which, when you saved me with your magic, that was so smokin’ hot. Oh, and then you totally stabbed that serial killer we were stuck with like WHATEVS, and I was like OH YEAH, BON-BON. And then you saved me again and that was super nice of you. You’re really nice and selfless like I wish I could be. You challenge me to never give up and to always work to be the best version of myself. Bon-Bon, you inspire me. And like, yeah, I know I still “love” Elena, but you two get along really well, so I feel like the three of us could make this work.

Forever yours (haha! pun!… because I’m a vampire),

Brary – ‘Downton Abbey’

Dear Tom,

How are you? I am well. I’m writing to let you know that now that Facebook has this whole Legacy Contract thing going on, I’ve decided to give you all of my social networking passwords for safekeeping. As you are aware, we tend to drop like flies around here, and I can’t risk letting Granny get her hands on all of the dirty pics Gilly still sends me. To be honest, she would probably get quite the kick out of them, but she’s getting older and that kind of stimulation can’t be good for her heart. I don’t even know why I still keep them anyway — he’s as sloppy with a camera as he was in bed. I suppose I enjoy the feeling of superiority I get watching him be so eager to please. But honestly, after a while, his desperation is just pretty exhausting.

With all of these men flocking to my front door you’d think I was the only girl in the world. They just want me for my grumpy, porcelain-doll face and perfect, baby bird body, though. They don’t really understand me — not like you do. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I find it so difficult to choose between all of my suitors because at the end of the day, I know that all I really want is to be your sister-wife. And I know it’s inappropriate because of dear Sybil, but please know that I am also grieving for my beloved husband whose name I can’t quite remember at the moment. We can get through this together, especially since now that my husband’s dead, I control all of the money. I just appreciate how much you insist on treating me like an intellectual equal. I enjoy our bro chats and long walks through empty, foreclosed properties. Maybe someday we can pressure George and Sybbie into getting married, and then they will be like step-sibling-cousin-spouses. That would be so very classy and aristocratic of us, to keep it all in the family.

With fondness,
Lady Mary Crawley

Gendrya – ‘Game of Thrones’

Dear Arry Princess Weasel Arya,

Umm, so, it’s been a while. Some interesting developments have unfolded and as it turns out I’m a King’s Bastard. So, that’s cool, I guess. It means hot fire ladies try and take off my pants all the time, but then they also want to kill me because I’m special. No! NO! I didn’t mean that she’s hotter than you. I mean, she IS, like, LITERALLY hotter than you, because she’s a crazy psycho fire witch, but like… oh, whatever, you either get what I’m trying to say or you don’t even care. I mean, you probably don’t even care. Which is understandable since you’re like, the biggest BAMF in Westeros. Ugh, I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I’M ALWAYS TRYING TO SUPPRESS. This is coming out all wrong. Um, so anyway, your mom seems nice. For a dead person, I mean. She says hi. JK, she can’t say anything. Nevermind, that wasn’t funny. So basically what I’m trying to say is I can’t stop thinking about that night with the acorns. You know the one. We wrestled with our bodies and for the first time you kind of looked less like a dirty little boy in pants and more like a dirty little girl in a dress.

I just love you so much. Every time you call me stupid I get so warm and tingly inside. And I know that you’re only like, 10, but I think we can work through that. What is 10 in Westerosi years, anyway? Like, 42? I know I look like I’m about 35, but I’m actually only 14 — at least I think am. I don’t really know. My mother said birthdays are for rich kids. Anyway, I miss you a lot, and I hope we get to meet up again soon. Maybe we can all hang with Edric in the Free Cities? Or maybe you can water dance your way over here and get me out of this boat. Ugh, I’m just so over all these chicks in dresses. Most of the girls who try to bang me turn out to be my sisters anyway. Those stupid whores. I heard that in George’s original draft, you kind of wanted to bang your brother, but I’m glad you’re over that now so we can be together instead. Cuz, obvs I can’t compete with Jon Snow’s hair. I do have great warhammer arms though, so don’t forget that. Anyway, I’m gonna peace out now, so valar more glue.

Ours is the fury of my love,

Zutara – ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’

Dear Katara,

Hello, Zuko here. But I guess you probably already knew that…uh… so… the thing is, I have a lot of sexual experience, and I’m considered to be pretty good at it. Well, you’ve seen me… you know, when I was attacking you with my love? …Uh, yeah, I guess I should apologize for that. But anyway, I’m good now. I mean, I thought I was good at it all before, but Mai said I was bad, but anyway… she was always kind of mean to me. Not like you. You are SO NICE. Just like my mom. Gawd, my mom was hot stuff. And you’re super hot too! I mean, not as hot as me, obviously, because I can literally make fire with my body, but you’re hot in your own way. Ugh, like when you wear those skimpy Fire Nation harem pants, I JUST LOVE IT. You look so sexy and powerful and dominant and sexy, just like my sister. Gawd, she’s so sexy. And she doesn’t even have to try. You do have to try, like, really hard, but that’s okay. My mother used to also try, and as we’ve already established, she was also sexy. You remind me so much of her. Like when you yell at everyone about how they smell like poo, ugh IT JUST TURNS ME ON. And when you’re super bossy and tell everyone to stop having fun because they need to get down to business and defeat the Huns? Yes, ma’am! My room’s always clean for you!

But anyway… I think it’s time we joined our love and taught the world the art of sexybending. I mean, I know you’re going through a lot of dramz with the Avatar right now, but I want you to know that I’m willing to wait. The Avatar’s dead in Korra, right? I mean, not dead, because otherwise there wouldn’t be a show, but is he decidedly less Aang-ish? I don’t know. I’ve been refusing to watch Korra because I’m scared we won’t end up together. And like, what if you die? OMG, what if we die TOGETHER? That would be so beautiful. I would be willing to die for you. And obviously, I mean, you would be willing to die for me because you’ve agreed to help me fight my hot evil sister whom we’ve already established is the most sexy. She will probably light us on fire and we will burn like the eternal flame of love for you that lives in my heart. I’m speaking theoretically because I don’t actually know how that whole showdown turns out as I’m also too afraid to watch the finale. Because like, WHAT IF WE DON’T END UP TOGETHER? That can’t possibly happen! My uncle ships us so hard! And he is wise so we should listen to him! How can you deny our love? Remember when I kidnapped you? I used my sexy voice! I save it just for you, because I know you’re the only one who appreciates it. Mai always laughs at my sexy voice. And then what about our cave lovin’? I LET YOU TOUCH MY SCAR because your hands were so soft and beautiful. YOU are so soft and beautiful. Just like my mother. Gawd, she was so hot.

But seriously, you changed my life. You made me want to be a better man. I saw in the reflection of your pooling blue eyes the life I could have if I was only willing to be slightly less badass and slightly more goodass. But I don’t know. I’ve been told I’m an ass man. And so I chased you across the world. And then I found you, I FOUND YOU, MY LOVE. But then you said YOU HATED ME. And I was SO HURT. I cried and sobbed and made out with my Pillow Pet. Why couldn’t you trust my love for you? Why? Whyyyyyyyyyy? Why did you despise me??? JUST LIKE MY FATHER! Gawd, he is also SO SEXY. My whole family is SO HOT. But then everything changed when we attacked that little old man on our field trip together. I waited outside your tent all night and listened to your breathing. I heard you giggle in your sleep and knew you were dreaming of me. Later that day, we used our evil powers to take down those ruffians, and I know it made you so hot to be so evil and powerful. I was SO PROUD of you that day, and I just stood back and was all, WADDUP, DAS MA GURL. And then you gave me some serious eyebrow love and we sensually embraced against the sunset. I could feel the pitter-patter of your heart against my chest. Don’t forget that. The pitter-patter, I mean. And the feeling of your bosom against my super hot chest.

Honorably yours,

Happy Valentine’s Day, loves! What’s your favorite fandom crack-ship?

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