8:30 pm EDT, September 26, 2013

Everything I know about ‘Twilight’ I learned from pop culture

Only five short years ago, I first heard the word “Twilight” in relation to a popular series of books instead of its more typical meaning of “that time just before it’s dark.”

My best friend and roommate at the time was completely absorbed in the books, was fully stoked for the then-upcoming film adaptation, and was very excited for me to match his enthusiasm as quickly as possible.

This was the guy that first introduced me to Marvel, Batman, and comic books in general, so I was genuinely interested in jumping on board the bandwagon with him. I was ready to start reading right then and there, but his books were loaned to another friend, so I agreed to wait.

That’s around the time that the internet decided to start hating Twilight as a collective group.

I was unsure if I wanted to begin my adventure only to be disappointed, and then my girlfriend (who I’m almost certain is capable of reading two books at the exact same time) blew through them in a few days and reported back that they were “okay.”

At that point, I was sure that I didn’t want to make the time commitment.

Five years later and I know completely nothing about the franchise, other than vampires and werewolves…and somehow baseball. So without further ado, my ignorance:

Everything I know about ‘Twilight’

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It all takes place at high school

I’m pretty sure that Twilight was on at a party once, and there was a lot of high-school type scenery involved in the first couple of scenes. Lockers, desks, bunsen burners and the like.


I imagine that Bella is a typical girl going to a typical school, when one day, this pale sullen dude shows up and she’s all like “whaaaaat,” and he’s all like “I’m dark and mysterious,” and she’s like “I’m on board!” Then she probably fails all of her classes, but that doesn’t matter because she has a vampire boyfriend. Weeeeeeeeee!

Bella is a secret vampire

Here’s where I’ll try to explain the lore of Twilight without knowing anything about it. Some unfair comparisons have been made between Twilight and Harry Potter and I imagine it’s because Bella has some ancient vampire blood deep inside of her that Edward (yeah, I know his name) can recognize.


Hell, that’s probably why he was sent to the school in the first place. So in this version, Edward is hot-Hagrid and he comes to the school to tell Bella that her bloodline is part vampire. Or maybe that’s something that will be revealed in the last book and we don’t know why he came to get her initially.

Edward saves Bella from a car

This scene was in all the trailers, so I know that this is a big moment in the books. Plus, I used to subscribe to “Team ‘Guy who almost hit Bella with his car’” on Facebook before it all just became cheap wall advertising. So vampires are super strong, super fast, and drivers in the Twilight world don’t give a shit about body damage.

twilight pop culture

“Sorry, what was that? A car? Where?!”

Though if Bella was a vampire, would the car have hurt her? Do they have to brace for impact in order to stop a car mid-vehicular manslaughter? Is this the big part where Edward says “Yer a vampire?” Does she ask him to repeat it because she still has her trendy iPod headphones in her ears? By the way, these thousand-years-undead beings have hella good fashion sense.

And Edward is a special vampire

Not only is Bella special, but so is her new vampire boyfriend. He secretly takes her out to the woods to tell her his secret. Not only is he a vampire, but he’s THE vampire. I imagine that what makes him special is his ultra-bright luminescence, or in other words, his sparkliness. Is the Twilight vampire world like Pokemon cards? The shiny ones are the special ones?


No. 666 – Stalker Pokemon – Pokemon Power: Dies When Exposed to Sunlight

Either way, he’s like, the king of the vampires and it’s a really big deal. This may be when he tells her that she’s a vampire too. Then they totally bone and it’s super awesome middle-of-the-woods sex from there on out. The end.

Just kidding, we have three more books to cover!

How am I doing? Good? Not good? Why are you making that face?

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