8:30 pm EDT, September 26, 2013

Everything I know about ‘Twilight’ I learned from pop culture

More vampires show up

I work at Hypable, so naturally, I heard a lot of whispers about the franchise on our super secret Facebook page when the movies were still coming out. I remember a poster with a TON of vampires for Breaking Dawn Part 2, so I assume that Edward isn’t the only one. I’ve heard a word used in relation with the other vampires, and it begins with a V. Looking it up would be cheating, so I’m gonna call them the Voltarees.

Is this the word that they use for “vampire” in Twilight? Wait, DO THEY NOT EVEN CALL THEM VAMPIRES?

twilight-vampires

We are actually no longer called the Voltaree. We just say ni now.

So basically, in my “I’m seriously making this up as I go along” plot for the books, a Voltaree isn’t allowed to be in love with a human. Edward makes the case that she has secret vampire blood from way back, but the answer is still no because she’s been tainted with human blood.

I feel like this is what contributes to the whole “forbidden love” angle, because I know absolutely nothing about if Bella has friends or family to speak of. The decision for her must be pretty easy.

Then a pack of werewolves show up

The werewolves are the ultimate sworn enemy of the vampires. Obviously. I’ve seen enough werewolf/vampire action in the trailers to know that the two never mix well. One in particular is after Bella’s heart as well, but he has exactly one king Voltaree standing in his way. Right?

twilight-werewolves

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I don’t know much about these werewolves other than that they are vaguely tied to Native American culture (how much do they play that angle up in the books? It seems like it could be really very interesting), and that they talk to each-other via voice over.

Is this the one where there are were-panthers and stuff? I heard the phrase were-panther once and I’m not sure where it came from or what it was in reference to, but I’m pretty sure it was for Twilight. Do they fight the werewolves too? Is there some sort of bitter rivalry going on there that spans back to the earliest cats and dogs?

What were we talking about again?

Beastiality VS. Necrophilia: The Decision

This is the aspect that I feel most people are able to glean from the series without reading it. Vampire? Werewolf? Which one should Bella choose? Since she’s part vampire, I would assume that she eventually chooses Edward. The trailer for the last one seems to show them all fighting on the same side against a greater force of evil. Mermaids maybe?

twilight-pop-culture-bella-edward-jacob

Anyway, from the trailers and posters and t-shirts and websites, I can assume that Edward VS Jacob is the biggest struggle in the Twilightverse. I’m not necessarily sure what they’re fighting for, but if the phrase “love triangle” is to be believed, then I guess they’re fighting over Bella. Because they both super like her. The eternal struggle continues.

Okay, now let’s talk about Bella

Keep in mind, I’ve seen the majority of the trailers for the Twilight series and they stand as my only real connection with what happens in the series. So what does Bella do? Like, she’s a secret vampire and she gets pregnant and that’s all a big deal I’m sure, but does she pursue any kind of objective during the story? I mostly see the people around her doing things. Is this a consistent theme? Her kinda looking vaguely disinterested as the other characters do and say things? Okay. Just checking.

twilight-bella

Okay, like this face. How many times does she make this face? Tell me. It’s important.

It’s just interesting to me that she’s the main character (I mean, she is, right?) and I feel like I know less about her character than anything else in the story. Does she have any motivations? Passions? Dreams? What is she doing when she’s not clinging to her vampire/werewolf? Is that all she does? I hate to be that kid at the toy store that sneers at the monkey with the cymbals with a bratty “Is that all it’ll do?” but I really hope that she’s just uninteresting as a character and not just a completely catatonic machine of vague emotion.

So, how did I do?

I’ll probably never actually get around to reading the books or watching the movies. Not because I’m a hater, but just because my time on this Earth is only limited to a couple thousand more days and I gotta spend that time doing things that I’m at least pretty sure that I’ll enjoy. That’s fair, right?

If I’m wrong and need my mind changed, please let me know in the comments section below!

More articles from the point of view of people who don’t know things about stuff:

Everything I know about Doctor Who I learned from Pop Culture

Everything I know about Star Wars I learned from Pop Culture

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