5:15 pm EDT, October 22, 2013

Everything I know about ‘Supernatural’ I learned from the Internet

I was once tempted to watch an episode of Supernatural… but then I went on the Internet, and what I found there terrified me.

There are those shows that are instant hits, and then there are those shows that are slow-burns. They simmer, they broil, they entice you to come closer by flashing images of ridiculously good-looking men in cars during commercial breaks of Gossip Girl. And then one day you wake up and realize that yes, they’ve been there all along (since circa 2005, in fact) and all of your friends are in love.

And by “you,” what I really mean is “me,” of course.

I went to San Diego Comic-Con this year and the main thing I took away, besides the fact that George RR Martin makes oddly inappropriate jokes, is that just about everyone is obsessed with Supernatural. Standing in line Sunday morning, I witnessed as explosion of fangirl ecstasy as an attractive man (whom I was told is actually an angel in disguise) went jogging through the marina crowds.

This general Supernatural fandom enthusiam came as quite a surprise to me because I had never really met a consensus of people who were willing to acknowledge their devotion to the show. I decided that I had to see what all of the fuss was about, but after scouting the Internet for information on Supernatural, I can kind of see why some people would be hesitant to freely vocalize their devotion to this CW show with obviously taboo themes at its center.

So, without further ado, here’s what the Internet tells me I need to know about Supernatural:

The show is primarily about two brothers.

Here they are.

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Winchester brothers

Their main distinguishing feature is that they are both incredibly attractive.

One of the brothers is named Dean.

Dean on SupernaturalDean and Rory on bus

I’m going to say it’s this one, because he was Dean on Gilmore Girls and I have a hard time adjusting to change.

Dean is the younger brother.

I know this because Dean is taller than his older brother, and television tropes like to play with that sort of ‘Little John’ situation where the bigger is the smaller and smaller is the bigger.

Also that other brother not named Dean is slightly better-looking than Dean, and everyone knows that older brothers are always the hottest.

Every week, these two brothers fight a monster(s).

Seriously. I’ll never be able to sleep again.

supernatural clown

For realz though, this thing is terrifying.

supernatural paris hilton

But they’re not very good at the fighting, because it’s like, 12 seasons later, and the monsters keep coming back.

supernatural monsters

What do these monsters want with the brothers? I have no idea. But I have an inkling they’re drawn in by their radiant ‘good guys’ energy and captivating smolders.

The brothers also take a lot of trips to heaven.

It looks like this.

supernatural dark side of the moon

And a couple trips to hell.

It looks like this.

supernatural dark side of the moon

But mostly they hang out in purgatory.

It looks like this.

Just kidding. Or maybe it does. I honestly don’t know.

But they never die because they are immortal brothers.

Ageless, they live in a perpetual state of beauty at an approximate age of twenty-five.


I don’t think they’re vampires though, as they are too tan and well-proportioned.

The monsters in this show don’t really matter.

Despite the miraculous and death-defying feats of the brothers, these seemingly important episodic and serialized monster plotlines are mostly irrelevant to the enjoyment of the show.

dean and dracula

Because the most important thing is that these two brothers are in love with each other, and engage in ‘Wincest.’

I’m assuming this ‘Wincest’ is basically like Game of Thrones’ ‘twincest,’ except not as funny because Peter Dinklage isn’t there to slap their ‘Wincest’ offspring around.

But they feel guilty about their ‘Wincest,’ so they constantly brood.

Winchester brothers sad

I really can’t believe how many times I’ve managed to type the word “Wincest” into this article. Please do yourself a favor: NEVER Google ‘Wincest.’

And they occasionally have threesomes with an angel.

He’s like their sister-wife.

So, how’d I do? I look forward to your rants musings in the comments.

Supernatural airs Tuesdays at 9pm EST on The CW.

So, was I right about ‘Supernatural’, or was I *totally* right about ‘Supernatural’?

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