1:00 pm EDT, August 28, 2013

Everything I know about ‘Star Wars’ I learned from pop culture

There aren’t many people who’ve not watched Star Wars, but for those of us who haven’t it’s been a wildly confusing and sheltered life.

Okay, okay, before you yell at me with “How have you not watched it?!” or “What, were you living under a rock?!” let me just say that the opportunity to watch these films just never came up. Not once has anyone mentioned Star Wars when selecting movies to watch, or asked if I’d wanted to come watch them. It just hasn’t happened!

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So when we started our series about series that we only know about from Tumblr and social experiences, I had to tell you all what my beliefs are about Star Wars. Geeks be warned, you may want to punch me.

Star Wars takes place in the future.


I mean this much is clear, due to the whole classic rolling text thing. And you know, the space travel and robots and stuff. What I can’t tell is if it’s an alternate universe or just so far in our future that the human race has explored further – kind of like Doctor Who.

Also thanks to the Google search that spawned that image, this take place during a civil war?! Say whaaat. Lesson #1 about Star Wars learned.

Bad guys have red light sabers. Good guys are random as hell.


Well, I used to think that good guys always had green light sabers but then Google just confused the heck outta me! I mean it’s pretty clear that the bad guys get the evil lookin’ color, but what the hell is with these good guys!?

And why in the world does Samuel L. Jackson get a purple one? What’s the basis for these? Can you just pick your favorite color? I want pink. I’d love a pink light saber.

The older movies are better.


I’ll not even try to remember if these were episodes 2, 3, 4, or whatever; all I know is the first three movies to come out in the seventies were the best ones. Apparently the ones after that sucked because no one told George Lucas no. And people have little faith in the reboot.

Also lesson #2 learned: Apparently Star Wars took place a long, long time ago. And not a long, long, time from now. Well there goes my first theory…

There are incestuous siblings.


I may or may not be completely off on this, but it’s my belief that Luke and Leia are actually brother and sister but don’t realize it until after they’ve fallen in love, yeh? I remember that bit of information infiltrating my brain and I just can’t get rid of it.

Does this span the entire series of all six movies?! Like what I’m imagining is they go through four movies falling in love and then the last two they realize they’re related and then Luke uses his classic bummed out “NOOOOOO” because he can’t get any without feeling weird about it.

Luke’s father is Dark Vader.


Okay well lesson #3 learned: It’s Darth Vader, not dark. Thanks, Google! There go 22 years of saying Dark Vader! Seriously, why did no one tell me this? Also dark totally makes sense, he’s all black! Damn.

Anyway, my point being: You can’t not know this! There’s a meme somewhere with Luke and Darth going all “*heavy breathing* LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER” and then a really bummed Luke going “NOOOOOO.” Darth isn’t winning the father of the year award, I guess. Also, does Darth always breath that heavy? He should really get that checked.

But in reality, what’s wrong with having this cool super alien/robot/man/thing be your dad? Have bullies? Darth’ll use his telekinetic powers on ’em and slam ’em against the wall during lunch time. Need help with your math homework? Have Darth pull up the equations using his half robotic side. I mean c’mon. It’s a win win.

There’s a ‘dark side.’


This part is really quite clear. Darth Vader is on the dark side and Luke and Leia are on the light side, yeah? I guess this is why everyone is always all “Come to the dark side!” when they’re trying to get you to join their club or cult or whatever.

The one thing I always hear is “Come to the dark side, we have cookies.” Is that a real reference? Does someone in Star Wars actually try to bribe someone to go to the dark side with cookies? I mean, they’ll get me. But they probably have raisins in them…evil raisins of evil from the dark side. Nah, I’m good right here on the outs of this…dark side.

There’s a fuzzy guy named Chewbacca.


He looks like a relative of Cousin It, but he’s definitely not human! Clearly an alien of some sort, his nick name is Chewy but nothing about him looks remotely chewy or delicious. I’m not sure what role he plays but all I know is that he has a pretty epic roar.

Also, judging from the picture above Chewy kind of looks like a derped’ out harrier version of Hermione when she took Polyjuice potion with a cat hair. Just sayin’.

Boba Fett is NOT a Pokémon.


Until the episode of Firefly where an assassin was created that was inspired after Boba Fett, I totally thought he was a Pokémon. It wasn’t until we recorded ReWatchable that I found out otherwise.

I was also under the impression that if he wasn’t a Pokemon he was that funky lookin’ dude on the left. Come to find out (thanks again Google for lesson #4) that said person is actually Jar Jar Binks. Well…now I just look like a fool, but let’s not pretend I didn’t before.

There are robots. Lots of robots.


So as far as I can tell the two main ones are R2D2 and C3PO. I worked at Disney World so I can at least say I’ve seen them in action. However, I can’t tell if Darth Vader is a robot or cyborg or half man half alien. Why is Darth always cloaked? Do we ever see his face? Wait, does Vader even have a face?! Wait, wait, I think I got it: That’s why Luke was so bummed when he found out. I’d say “noooo” too if I found out I was spawned by a half-alien half-robot man, making me think my entire life has been a lie.

As far as the number of robots in this universe, it’s kind of scary to see how smart and powerful they all are. I’d love to see how human got so evolved to create them. All I know is that this happens so far in the future that robots are really, really smart and it makes me wonder if any of them ever try to take over the Universe. I, Robot: Star Wars edition.

Yoda is like the battle/yoga master.


I know Yoda is the green guy and he’s all super guidance-counselor like, and he speaks backwards. He’s the guy who trains people and teaches people to work with “the force” which, in all honesty I don’t understand. I used to think it was the space version of a police force like “Join the force, or go to prison.” but over the years I think I’ve come to realize it’s like a mental capability/super power.

Whatever “the force” is, Yoda teaches people how to use it and how to calm their minds, much like yoga for the mind. Yoda the yoga master!

The Death Star is a really defenseless piece of metal.


What I believe to be Darth Vader’s home turf, all I know about the “death” star is that all you have to do to disable it is shoot your weapon directly into it’s hole (that’s totally what she said) and it’ll explode. I mean…what kind of “death” star is that?! And what’s with the random “crater” in the middle of it? Please don’t tell me that’s where you shoot because that’s a gigantic target…

And how does the death star even cause death? I just see a ball of metal. But hey, that’s the same mentality I had towards Daleks when I first watched Doctor Who and now I understand them. Maybe I just need to watch to understand.

How did I do?

I think I got the general gist of this whole Star Wars thing down! I’m sure I must have gotten some things wrong but the basis is right, yeah? Just let me believe it.

Star Wars is a gigantic universe of stories, plots and characters. There are so many things that I’ve seen through-out these past 22 years that still confuse me and I’ll admit that my interest in watching this series is still pretty low. Maybe if someone ties me down I’ll end up watching all six movies but until then it looks like I’ll be that one guy who hasn’t seen ’em.

One last thing…

What do Star Wars fans call themselves?! I know it’s not Trekkies, although for a while I thought it was. I want to call you all Star Warriors. Or fan troopers, like those white robot army guys – storm troopers you call them, although someone once told me they were clone troopers? Speaking of which, is Clone Wars like…an Orphan Black type spin-off where the original characters have to fight their own clones? Why are they not just army men? Because they’re robots? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Sorry…tangent. Is there an actual name for you fans or do you just say you’re fans of Star Wars? Let me know because I just can’t seem to figure it out!

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