It was Party Night on Dancing with the Stars, but most of the stuff between the opening and the closing numbers was the kind of party you spend playing Candy Crush and checking your watch to see when it’s acceptable to leave.
The time filler, I mean guest judge, of the week was Redfoo from LMFAO. You know, those guys who were sexy and knew it that one year, and who made that inescapable “Party Rock Anthem” some summers ago before fading into obscurity. According to Tom, Redfoo is the “first guest judge to make Bruno look like an accountant.” Honestly, I don’t know how many more of these guest judges I can tolerate – Redfoo officially takes the crown of Most Useless Guest Judge (and if this sounds repetitive, it’s because they keep getting worse). When Bruno is not the most incoherent one on the judging panel, you know we’ve got a problem. I’m just going to ignore Redfoo’s comments in the recap, as I did during the show, because there is nothing of value there.
Evidently, there was a lot of time to fill, because we started getting video segments about “how intense the halfway point is,” “how badly [insert name] wants to win,” etc. You know who didn’t look even slightly stressed out? Meryl and Charlie. They could at least pretend this isn’t all incredibly easy for them (like that one week in season 10 when Nicole Scherzinger pretended she couldn’t count jive music). More time was filled by Macy’s Stars of Dance, which was fine – lots of flashing lights and jerky movements, with Peta and Val taking center stage. Moving on.
The couple eliminated this week, ending in eighth place, is… Drew and Cheryl! Drew had a feeling this was their last week, and seemed fine with it – it must be tiring trying to keep up with dancers to whom one is obviously inferior. Cheryl was full of relentless optimism (because that’s her job), and refused to treat their departure like a foregone conclusion. This is Cheryl’s fourth worst finish in seventeen seasons – the only times she was eliminated sooner was season 16 (ninth place with DL Hughley), season 9 (had to withdraw in thirteenth place with Tom DeLay), and season 5 (tenth place with Wayne Newton).
Drew’s dance this week was a tango, and Cheryl focused all her energy into making him a pimp. I suppose she succeeded, since everyone started commending Drew’s “stanky pimp face” (Redfoo’s valuable addition to our collective lexicon). I’m sure bringing in Witney and Lindsay helped amp up Drew’s pimp factor. The dance itself was pretty bad, getting the only seven of the night from Len, and 32 total (tying with Candace for last place). Drew was a good sport throughout his DWTS tenure, and it’ll be interesting to see who takes over as the new crowd pleaser. Now, let’s welcome our stars!
First Place, 40 points: Meryl and Maks (Tango). Carrie Ann called this Maks’s “best choreography ever,” and she’s not far off the mark. After having an inner crisis following last week’s nines (Maks is upset that the judges seem to demand a lot of Meryl… can’t imagine why they would), Maks got his act together this week and choreographed a hyperspeed Tango for Meryl that finally fully showed off her dancing prowess. Len was all a-feather at the inclusion of a featherstep, and they got their first perfect score. It’s kind of amazing that it took them this long to get one, but this perfect score was deserved.
Second Place, 38 points: Amy and Derek (Jive). Amy and Derek closed a meh night with a huge bang. Amy danced one of the best jives I’ve seen, which is bonkers considering she doesn’t have feet. Amy had some of the sharpest kicks I’ve seen, with every single one on the music. The judges commented that in all the seasons of this show, they’ve never seen anything like this. If there were not a slight dipping snafu, this would have gotten perfect scores. Derek was hilarious – he decided this week was the week to discover the “dirty Purdy.” The concept was wedding crashers – someone yelling, “I object!” at a wedding, which apparently ends with ripping off the bride’s clothes. And all of it was set to “Shout!”
Third Place (tie), 36 points: Danica and Val (Cha-Cha). Val was adorable this week. He revealed that he braids things (like Danica’s hair) when he’s nervous, and he was super into their song, “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” I love him for both of those things. Danica was excited to be the runner up on last week’s leaderboard, and used her newfound momentum to deliver a superb cha-cha. In the process, she discovered her femininity… or something.
Third Place (tie), 36 points: Charlie and Sharna (Cha-Cha). Was this a cha-cha? Could have fooled me. After last week’s progress, Charlie and Sharna are back to their old tricks – completely BS routines that have nothing to do with the dance at hand, but receive raves from judges because Charlie can dance (because that’s what he does for a living). Charlie and Sharna kept trying to make excuses by talking about his hectic schedule this week.
Fourth Place, 35 points: James and Peta (Quickstep). Whose bright idea was it to have a Quickstep to “You’re the One That I Want”? Of course they broke hold in a party-themed dance, and of course Len (rightfully) penalized them for it. James and Peta were super into it though, and I appreciated the fact that they pulled off the inherently oxymoronic party Quickstep. They’re feeling the pressure of last week’s perfect score, but seem to have held up quite well.
Fifth Place, 33 points: Nene and Tony (Salsa). I suppose if I were to squint my eyes, tilt my head, and frequently look away, I might believe this was a salsa. No one seemed all that fussed about it tonight, because they were fixating on Tony’s naked torso. (Is this Tony’s new strategy to distract from his abysmal partners? Why did he not start trying this sixteen seasons ago?) Then Tom brought Bruno’s popping nipples into the conversation, and it all derailed from there.
Last Place, 32 points: Candace and Mark (Samba). As I live and breathe, Mark Ballas gave us one of tonight’s most legitimate routines! While not technically perfect, Candace did a good job with the samba (which is very technically difficult), working her way through legitimate samba moves provided by Mark. I know they were Not Necessarily the Bottom Two this week, but between this week and last week, I am liking them more and more. Hopefully they stick around and outlast Nene. Also, Mark revealed to us that he has Mario Cart figures help him relax in the bathtub. Tony was excited about this, but Erin and Tom (somewhat unfairly) mocked him for it.
Are you excited for Ricky Martin and Latin Night next week? Do you think Drew became a pimp in his final dancing moments? And what toys help you unwind in the tub? Bonus points if you can explain the function of a rubber duck.
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