When Disney announced at D23 that it was planning to expand its theme parks to include a Star Wars themed land, fanboys and girls the galaxy over rejoiced. At last, a cantina where we could freely engage in our own space-alien shootouts! Finally, the chance to cruise the Millennium Falcom through our own deadly asteroid field!
But the real question we had after this life-altering announcement? WHY STOP AT ONE STAR WARS LAND WHEN WE COULD TAKE THEM ALL OVER?
Yes, it’s true, as entitled millennials, getting what we’ve always dreamed of only made us realize that now we have the potential to want so much more. So here’s five fangirl designed theme park rides that we DEMAND be included in the inevitable Star Wars theme park expansion. You’re welcome, Disney; you can send compensation for these incredible ideas to my twitter account.
Podrace for Glory
Remember Autopia? Probably not, since the novelty of driving a tiny car that moves at the speed of approximately .5 miles an hour wore off as soon as you learned to drive a real car. So, what if we took those little tiny pod cars and moved them off the street and into the air, instead? You’re totally with me here, right? THEN VOILA YOU HAVE PODRACERS.
The mechanics of building a flying car shouldn’t be an issue since Disney is a multibillion dollar company. Besides, we know they’re in communication with the same aliens who helped the Egyptians build the pyramids. Once we get the podracers, it’s just a matter of logistics to create a sky track around the park. I suggest stadium seats on top of Sleeping Beauty’s castle.
Children as young as 10 will be allowed to pilot the pods, but any younger than that will be disqualified for cheating due to the advantage their naturally smaller body mass and baby bones provide during acceleration. The winner of each podrace will get a churro, while the losers will be enslaved as Dapper Dans for the rest of the day.
Trussle through the Trash Compactor
Wasn’t it so awesome that time when Luke and Han tried to rescue Leia and then she saved them all by shooting down the Stormtroopers and leading them into a trash compactor? Yup, that was such a great idea. I mean, the trash was gross and stuff, and they almost died, but almost dying isn’t the same as actually dying, and actually, isn’t the illusion of experiencing death the foundation for every major theme park ride, anyway? I think you can agree that all in all, this sounds like a fun time.
The Haunted Mansion would do well to accommodate this ride. Its winding corridors would be perfect to race through while being chased by deadly Stormtroopers. I suggest that the faux-Stormtroopers actually shoot at guests with laser guns that emit some form of electricity (tasers are temporarily acceptable while the laser gun technology’s patent is pending) because if there is no real threat of temporary/permanent paralysis, the adrenaline levels won’t be nearly high enough to make the ride fun.
The goal of racing through the corridors should be to eventually reach the elevator and then jump down into it. This elevator will serve as the basin from which Disneyland’s entire garbage disposal system eventually streams into. This will make the ride more fun as guests realize that the half-eaten turkey leg they devoured earlier is now a part of the trash ecosystem that is currently crushing them. As the walls close in around them, guests must verbally activate a code on their walkie-talkies to get an animatronic robot to deactivate the trash compactor. As long as the guests enunciate clearly, they will in all likelihood survive.
Of course, lest I forget to mention, this ride will also involve a man-eating eel.
I think every Star Wars fan can agree that ewoks are the absolute best idea George Lucas ever came up with, next to Jar Jar Binks. Well, with this ride, you will finally get the chance to hang out with them, up close and personal.
Tarzan’s Treehouse is so one and done, so I suggest we meld it with the Jungle Cruise’s rainforest atmosphere to create an Ewok Paradise resembling Endor, complete with a rope bridge where unintentional twincest can transpire. Of course, the treehouse itself will need to be crawling with the tiny mammaloid bipeds, so since ewoks are unfortunately not real, the next best thing to do in my opinion would be to hire hundreds of children to grow out their hair and walk around in oversized fur coats.
Children are the ideal actors to portray ewoks because their still-evolving brains are best able to convey an ewok’s naive sense of wonder, or as some would call it, “stupidity.” Besides being a practical creative choice, hiring children will also be economically-savvy because most of them are not good at math, and will not realize it if you shortchange them on their paycheck.
Volcanic Lightsaber Duel to the Death
Every time Disneyland tries to update the Matterhorn, it just gets lamer and lamer. What do you mean the ride no longer requires me to sit unbuckled in a stranger’s lap so that our bodies uncomfortably smash into each other every time the bobsleds take a sharp turn? When did we become so obsessed with safety precautions? Isn’t this the land of the free and home of the brave?
It’s time to take the Matterhorn back to its true, deadly origins. First thing’s first: bust open the top of the mountain, then fill the secret basketball court inside with lava. Once we have the lava erupting at appropriate yet unpredictable intervals from the Matterhorn, all we need is the lightsabers. George Lucas discovered the technology necessary to make lightsabers in the seventies and has been hoarding it ever since to barbecue on his ranch, but now that Disney owns him, acquiring the blueprints shouldn’t be a problem.
Once again, it is very important that these lightsabers actually be functional though, because if there is no threat of pain, the rules of yin and yang dictate that any pleasure derived from the activity will only bring about the allusion of gratification. The volcano lightsaber battle will continue until one of the opponents loses a hand, and the winner will get the glory of marrying a Disneyland prince or princess cast member of his or her choosing.
Bromance Carbon Freeze complete with optional Chewie Hug
Have you ever walked around Disnelyand and wondered, “Wow. My friends look so happy. Wouldn’t it be fun to watch their faces instantly turn to horror?” Well, guess what? With this ride, NOW YOU CAN.
The Bromance Carbon Freeze ride allows you to make a secret pact with Disneyland staff at Guest Services to betray one of your friends for the greater good of everyone else’s entertainment. Once the pact has been agreed upon, you will lead your friend to the Abraham Lincoln theater, where he will be easily jumped by Stormtroopers, since it is always empty in there anyway. Sitting in his theater chair, staring at the now-dead Abraham Lincoln ramble on and on, the irony of his situation will hit him as the Stormtroopers tie him down and dump several gallons of crushed ice on top of his head.
Now that he is perfectly preserved in his frozen state, you will be worry-free in leaving your friend, knowing that thawing is highly unlikely since the room is heavily air-conditioned. If you later get bored of wandering around Disneyland by yourself, you also have the option of scrambling together a rebel group to rescue him. This optional choice is called the Chewie Hug, because to unfreeze your friend, it will be necessary to hire a giant furry man that can smother him until he melts.