11:00 am EDT, April 11, 2015

Bed, Wed, Behead: ‘Game of Thrones’ edition

Would you rather flirt with a Frey or boogie down with a Bolton?

Game of Thrones season 5 starts back up Sunday night, and while everyone else is sitting around wondering what the hell has happened to Arianne Martell*, here at Hypable, we’re answering the TOUGH questions.

Our team of classically-trained Game of Thrones experts has put together an all-encompassing quiz/guide to debate the merits and value of several Westerosi houses, and after an intensely spirited and vigorously educated-ish debate, we’ve settled on some important answers.

So, without further ado, here’s who our Hypable experts Michal Schick, Selina Wilken, Harri Sargeant, Natalie Fisher, and Ariana Quiñónez would bed, wed, or behead in Westeros.**

*In case you’re wondering: no, I’m still not over it. #princessarianne5eva

**Yes, this important ideological debate is more commonly known by it’s colloquial name “F#ck, Marry, Kill.”

***Beware, there might be some minor spoilers. Just assume that if it sounds like we’re kidding, then we’re probably kidding.***

Starks, Lannisters, Baratheons

Stark Lannister Baratheon

Ariana: Most important question: are we including everyone’s bastards too?

Selina: I mean… this would be easy if not for my one true love Jaime, throwing off my allegiances. But okay. Since I can’t even bring myself to say “wed” and “Starks” in the same sentence, let’s wed the Baratheons (echoing Ariana’s question: Gendry counts, right?), bed the Starks, and behead the Lannisters. Sorry Jaime and Tyrion, I love you both, but I gotta do my part to save the kingdom.

Michal: I mean, you have to marry the Starks, right? They’re like, the definition of “the marrying kind.” (It’s caused a lot of trouble recently.) And while Gendry is tempting, I’ll take a night with the Lannisters over any of the legitimate Baratheons. (Or as they are respectively known, “Selfish, Gay, and Sinfully Boring.”) Chop!

Harri: I like the Baratheons — even Stannis — so I’d probably bed them, even if it is just for Renly. I’d then wed the Lannisters, only to behead them. Then I’d take the massive amounts of gold I’d just inherited up to Winterfell to marry myself some Starks. Not only would I have had the best of both worlds, I’d also have solved most of Westeros’s problems.

Natalie: Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE. I have to make a judgement on the whole house? I thought this was going to be about individual characters! THIS IS TOO HARD?! God. Look, I might actually wed the Lannisters, okay? I’d take Jaime or Tyrion over pretty much anyone else in the whole series… Renly is already dead and Stannis sux, so I’m going to say behead the Baratheons — their claim to the throne is shaky at best anyway. And I guess I’ll bed the Starks, especially if we’re counting Jon Snow…

Ariana: While the Starks are definitely, as Michal said, “the marrying kind,” most of the good ones are already dead, and my fave bb Sansa is a Lannister now anyway, in which case, I’m def going to go Natalie’s route and marry the Lannisters. I know, I know! They do terrible things like defenestrate children! But I’ve always felt a kind of weird kinship to their functional dysfunctionality and blind loyalty towards each other. I love how they’re like, “Look, I know he’s super annoying, but if you mess with my little brother, I will literally rip your face off and feed it to my goats.” Family should stick up for family! Yes, I am choosing to ignore everything that happened leading up to and after Joffrey/Tywin’s deaths! Because Aunt Gemma is a boss! And Kevan is kind of cool! So maybe it’s that I’m an O.G. Lannister fan? And since the consensus is that we’re counting the bastards in this round, I’ll go ahead and bed the Baratheons because while I am (like Lyanna) generally put off by Robert’s whoring and drinking, I am pretty obsessed with his feisty little bastards. Oh, and I’d kill whatever Starks are left because, let’s face it, with their luck, they’re bound to kick the bucket anyway.

Targaryens, Tullys, Arryns

Tully Targaryen Arryn

Ariana: This is hard because 99% of these people are either batsh!t insane or dead. Or batsh!t insane AND dead.

Selina: What? This is easy! OBVIOUSLY wed the Targaryens and be the master of dragons, bed the Tullys, and behead the Arryns. Or better yet, throw them out the moon door. Nobody likes the Arryns.

Michal: Noooo, this is hard. They all suck! I guess I’ll wed the Tullys – maybe there’s a chance there WON’T be a war that decimates the entire Riverlands, but there’s no chance of landing a completely sane Targaryen. One night for the dragons, and like Selina, I’m making the Arryns fly.

Harri: I agree with Selina. They’re all mad, so I’d take my chances with the Targaryens to get myself some dragons (and some insanely attractive siblings-in-law/new lovers). Bed the Tullys and behead the Arryns WITH the moon door.

Ariana: Everyone keeps hating on the Arryns, but I think you are forgetting that Jon Arryn is the O.G. bamf. The crazy TECHNICALLY comes from the Tully side.

Natalie: Can I behead myself? Ugh. I GUESS if I married the Arryns then we could have kept Lysa the hell outta there and not been in this mess in the first place. Bed the Targaryens because I bet they’ve got some crazy moves… and behead the Tullys because they’ve proved to be ineffectual at best, crazy at worst so far.

Ariana: So much hate going around! I actually kind of love all of these families. I mean, how clever are the Arryns to build a giant castle in the sky no one can get to? That is some seriously perfected passive-aggression. And let’s not forget Jon Arryn was the sh!t. His death literally started an entire war. With that being said, in this case, I would kill him again. I need to keep the Tullys around because I think they’re a good example for the other Westeros noble families! Even though they’re kind of super basic, I dig how they’re by far the most normal human family. They bicker, and fight, and have an appropriate amount of love and loyalty towards one another. They seem like that family that’s willing to drive 13 hours to scream at each other over the Thanksgiving turkey. I think their genuine family skillz are sweet, so I’d bed them in the hopes of snagging the wily Blackfish. Finally, I’d marry the Targaryens because I took an incredibly accurate Internet quiz once on a site that was probably called superduperquizszes.biz that said I had the blood of the dragon in me. I appreciate and relate to their fiery nature and also think Rhaegar is the hottest dreamboat ballerina to ever exist so I will take my chances with him and I am greedy for dragons in my handz.

Tyrells, Martells, Greyjoys

Tyrell Martell Greyjoy

Ariana: This is by far the easiest for me. Without a doubt, I would marry the Martells because they are secret badasses, and since the Dornish are basically the Latinos of Westeros, I bet the food’s really good there too (and the wine, obviously.) Then, since we have such a huge grudge against those prissy Tyrells, we’d just kill them off and take their lands. SO MANY PROBLEMS SOLVED. And obviously I’d bed the Greyjoys because Asha’s my fave and I’m just really turned on by that dragon horn.

Selina: Hmm. Then I’m gonna say marry the Tyrells, because they’re clever AND beautiful (gotta go for the genes), bed the Martells, and off the Greyjoys. Me and Theon will finally have our reckoning. (Sorry Ariana. I do share your love of Asha, but no way in the seven hells am I gonna pass up a chance to kill off Theon Greyjoy.)

Michal: KILL THE GREYJOYS. IMMEDIATELY. DEAD. NONE OF THIS “WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE” BS – I WANT THOSE SQUIDS ON A PIKE. Ahem. Anyway, I think I’ll also marry the Tyrells – floating down the Mander with puppies sounds awesome – and definitely bed the Martells. With a certain consensual frequency.

Harri: My initial reaction was to bed the Martells, but if I wed them I get to bed them every night. Have you seen the brothel scenes in season 5? They know their way around a four-poster. I’d then bed the Tyrells and kill the Greyjoys because they’re miserable and have chips on their shoulders for no reason whatsoever.

Natalie: Wed the Tyrells, obviously, those beautiful flowers. They’re practically perfect in every way. Bed the Martells because I am a human person with eyes and a brain. Behead the Greyjoys because they’re all horrifying and Theon needs to be put out of his own misery. I have confidence that Asha would be able to get herself the hell outta town before we round up the rest of them.

Ariana: Geez, is everyone seriously killing the Greyjoys? But the Tyrells are so proper and boring, and the Greyjoys are so baller! I just really appreciate their pluck and feel a particular kinship with their no-f#cks-given attitude. The Greyjoys be like, WADDUP BETCHES WE DO NOT SOW.

Mormonts, Umbers, Reeds

Mormont Umber Reed

Ariana: I’m just so obsessed with the northmen and how they’re all kind of much more competent than the actual Starks.

Selina: I mean, wed the Mormonts, because I want Jorah to call me his “Khaleesi.” Kill the Umbers (sorry Greatjon) and bed the Reeds, just cause they kinda fascinate me with their frog eating and swamp hogging. Like, if I kiss one, will he turn into a frog? That’s what I wanna know.

Michal: I’ll wed the cutie-pies who hoard all of the important information, otherwise known as the Reeds. (Spill me your secrets, Howland Reed.) Bed and wed is a toss up, because I hate Jorah, but like the Mormont ladies a lot. So… okay, I’ll bed those guys and behead the Umbers, even though they don’t deserve it. Sorry bros.

Harri: I’d also wed the Reeds because they’re really cool and mysterious. I also hate Jorah, but I’m pretty indifferent to the Mormont ladies, so I’ll do the opposite of Michal and bed the Umbers while beheading the Mormonts.

Natalie: Wed the Reeds. Those hot teens fascinate me and Howland seems like a good egg. They have more integrity than most people in Westeros, that’s for sure. I guess bed the Mormonts – not Jorah though, ugh. But the lady warriors rule. I feel bad about beheading the Umbers, but now that Robb’s dead, it’s probably gonna happen anyway…

Ariana: I think Jorah’s the ultimate tool, but I’m obsessed with Old Bear and have the biggest girl-crush on Mama Mormont and her warrior princess daughters. They fight like knights and dance like ladies! Dacey kicks ass in a dress! And twelve year-old Lyanna’s still holding out for THE KING IN THE NORTH! So, I have to wed them, obviously. Even though they don’t as a rule usually get married, but are still bamf enough to name their bastard kids Mormont instead of Snow. What was the question? Oh yeah, bed the Reeds so they tell me their secret secrets, and kill the Umbers because the Greatjon’s cool and all, but still mostly-dead.

Freys, Boltons, Florents

Bolton, Florent, Frey

Ariana: These families are all so gross but #unpopular opinion, I kind of love creepy, mild-mannered Roose Bolton with his leeches, and crazy-eyes, and clinical approach to evil.

Selina: Haha, I do not share this #unpopular opinion. Can I kill them all? I suppose the Florents aren’t THAT bad. You know what, I’ll kill the Boltons, because I feel like they’re the greater threat now. The Red Wedding was a one-trick (excessively bloody) pony, and Walder can’t live forever (…can he?), so I feel okay about bedding the Freys (ugh, not really) and marrying the Florents. My ears are abnormally small anyway, so maybe it’ll equal out for our children.

Michal: Um, ew, ew, and ew? I’m using my blackball on this one. (Do we get blackballs? I’ve decided that we get blackballs.)

Harri: The Freys are the grossest thing in all of Westeros so they’re getting beheaded without a doubt. The Bolton’s may be unapologetically insane (and scary), but I’m banking on them being pretty adventurous in the bedroom so they’d get beded. Which leaves me wedding the Florents, because they’re not as gross as the Freys and not as kinky as the Boltons surely would be.

Natalie: No, really, can I behead myself??

Ariana: This is hard for me because while I find the Boltons absolutely more terrifying than any other house, I also really respect Roose’s game and feel like he’s in-it-to-win-it for the long haul. I think that if I married into the Boltons, and played the game right, Fat-Walda style, I would def make it longer than with the Freys and Florents, who have little to no game and are not lasting much longer around here. So, for safety I guess I’d marry the Boltons? As long as they don’t make me eat my fingers? Then I’d bed the Florents because Edric and Shireen seem all right enough, so the whole family can’t be that gross, and then kill the Freys. But really, I think Natalie might be on to something…

Snows, Stones, Storms

Snow Stone Storm

Ariana: This would be so much easier if Jon Snow wasn’t basically cancelled out by Ramsay Snow.

Selina: Oh wow that’s true. DAMN. Okay, marry the Storms, because hellooooo Gendry. Kill the Snows, cause Jon may be cute but he’s honestly a bit of a downer. Bed the Stones, just cause it sounds funny. (Bonus question: is Mya technically a Stone or a Storm? Hmmm.)

Michal: Mya is a Stone, having been born in the Vale. And sorry Selina, Gendry was born in Kings Landing, so he’s actually a Waters ;-) I’ll take my chances and wed the Snows – fingers crossed not to get fingers flayed – bed the Storms because that’s the most badass last name ever, and behead those stubborn Stones.

Selina: Well… that’s embarrassing.

Harri: I agree on Storm being a great surname, so I’d wed them just so I could sound like a cool guy. I’d bed the Snows because of Jon and Ramsay (that Bolton wild streak) and kill the Stones.

Natalie: To start with, the only Storm we really know is a child – Edric – so I guess I’ll enter into a political marriage with him to save him from death or molestation. I can’t make a call on the others. Mya is too nice to get killed by my whimsy, but I don’t want to sign up for a night of tender lovin’ with Jon and end up getting skinned by Ramsay.

Ariana: Okay, so I’m marrying the Stones for sure because my homegirl Mya is a bamf and the trueborn queen of the Seven Kingdoms, aight. Then I’d bed the Storms because Edric’s cool, so I’m counting on all those little Stormy bastards to be fun and feisty. Finally, I’d kill the Snows because Ramsay’s GOTS TO GO, and anyway, it doesn’t really matter if Jon dies since he’s obvs THE PRINCE THAT WAS PROMISED AZOR AHAI and he can just be reborn with a magic sword or something. I seen them flirty eyes Melisandre makes!

Dothraki, the Night’s Watch, Wildlings

Wildlings Night's Watch Dothraki

Ariana: Maybe I would bang the Night’s Watch because even though they’re out of practice, I just feel like they would be so grateful.

Selina: Hahahaha I can’t beat that logic. I’d probably marry the Dothraki, for the power. And killing the Wildlings works for me, cause like, all that sweaty fur? Think of the B.O.

Michal: Is wedding the Night’s Watch even allowed? If it is, I call dibs, because of Ariana’s reason and the fact that they have SOME concept of law and order. I’d bed the wildlings because I love freedom, and behead the Dothraki because those guys rape anything that moves.

Harri: The Night’s Watch are the only decent people out of the three, so I’d have to wed the ones Michal didn’t want. The freedom thing is cool, but Selina is SO RIGHT about the B.O. so the Wildlings are being beheaded and the Dothraki bedded because they’re badass.

Natalie: Can I just say that there’s no way I’m eating a horse’s heart in order to strengthen my unborn child so I’m gonna behead the Dothraki straight off? Wed the Night’s Watch and bed the Wildings.

Ariana: Okay, so I already agreed to bed the Night’s Watch since I’m such a nice, giving person, so that leaves choosing between the Wildlings and Dothraki. I do appreciate how Khal Drogo basically worships Dany, but as a whole, the Dothraki are just gross and terrible rapists (as Michal pointed out,) so I’m def going to marry the Wildlings because FREEDOM. Seriously, the Wildling women get so much power, and also, I kind of want Val to be my sort-of princess because she is perfection.

Baratheon Bastards, Secret Targaryens, Dead Starks

Secret Targaryens

Ariana: I’m sure I can find a way to justify that my true love Jon Snow fits into all three of these categories.

Selina: Yeah this is basically “which Jon Snow do you prefer?” But I’ll marry any and all Targaryens, always. And bed Gendry. Wait, what was the question?

Michal: By secret Targaryens, do you mean the R+L=J type, or the A+J=J/C/T type? This is very controversial and very important. But either way, I’ll marry the BBs, bed the STs, and behead the DSs, because hey, no harm, no foul.

Ariana: Michal, obviously I mean all types of secret Targaryens, including Hodor.

Michal: Hodor.

Harri: I haven’t read the books past the point of the TV series, so I’m going to blackball this one without reading anything you guys have said because ‘Secret Targaryens’ scares me.

Natalie: Ooooh, this is actually tough. Michal, I have NEVER heard the A/J = J/C/T theory before and I am FREAKING OUT. Hit me up about this. I’m gonna marry secret Targaryens in this case, because I prefer them all to the real Targaryens. Bed Gendry because I am a human person with eyes and a brain. And the Starks are already dead… plus I never liked Robb.

Ariana: Yup, I’m bedding the Baratheon Bastards because obvs they’re great and sexy, and killing the Dead Starks because zombies cause trouble. And marrying the Secret Targaryens all of them always you beautiful beautiful fiery beauties let’s ride dragons.

Game of Thrones season 5 premieres Sunday, April 11th on HBO.

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