Dear Stephenie Meyer,
Today we heard you’ve released a gender-swapped version of Twilight. While this seems a fascinating expose on gender norms in literature, it still begs more questions than it answers. Namely, how long did it take to find:replace thousands of pronouns in Microsoft Word?
As hosts of the old Twilight podcast Imprint, and current hosts of #Millennial, we have a few other questions that desperately need answering:
- Renesme? Edythe? Do Twilight characters get their names from whatever pattern emerges from your spilled alphabet soup?
- If a sperm falls in a frozen uterus, does it make a sound? Or a baby?
- Assuming a vampire-fetus does manage to plant itself in Bella’s tundra womb, how much dental work will human Edward need when he rips it out with his teeth?
- Does a penis go flaccid inside an ice vagina?
- So Jacob’s a chick. Will (s)he still walk around shirtless 98.6% of the story? To keep things realistic, how many cat-calls did you add?
- Will Charlie walk Edward down the aisle? Will he threaten Bella with his shotgun? If yes — can we suggest you have him pull the trigger this time?
- When vampire-Bella hears Edward is dead, will she, too, fail to check her sources before resorting to suicide?
- Is Bella also going to mistake a wedding proposal as consolation for not getting laid?
- When female Jacob falls in love with the (undisclosed existence of) tundra!baby, will the dramatic close-up of her face be any less creepy?
- For the 20th anniversary, can you author-swap with Shakespeare so everyone learns to express their emotions with actual words and not just sullen glares?
Laura at #Millennial
#Millennial is a weekly podcast by Hypable’s Andrew Sims and three of his best friends. Each with their own area of expertise, together they unpack and mock the latest news, pop culture and politics. Listen for free by subscribing via iTunes or visiting their website!