Next thing you know, it’s the day of the wedding, and all our long-lost friends enter and take their seats to watch Mr Schuester and Miss Pillsbury get married. Quinn and Santana enter together. As Santana glares at Brittany and Sam together, she complains about being alone, hating weddings, and hating Valentine’s Day, and as Quinn scoffs at an older man tipping her the wink, she contributes that she hates all men, “except maybe Mr Schue and Al Roker.” She goes on to tell Santana that she’d been right when she accused Quinn of letting men define her, but that that’s all changing now. “Al Roker is disgusting, by the way.” “Whatever,” Quinn replies as the two share a hand mirror, their eyes ahead, comfortable and settled in their many years of being Queen Bee best friends and judging the bejesus out of everybody else together. Artie finds Emma’s niece Betty, Ali Stroker from season 2 of the Glee Project. She is indeed very pretty, buxom and blonde, and she is also in a wheelchair. She is immediately unimpressed and aggressive with him, shunning him and saying that she’d been told her aunt was fixing her up with someone attractive. “Some people think I’m kind of nerdy-hot, so..” “No, no, no. Andrew Garfield is nerdy hot,” (yes, yes he is) “you are Stephen Hawking’s younger brother.” It turns out that Betty is very popular and does not date “losers in chairs,” despite being in one herself, and she ditches Artie quickly. Marley, Jake and Ryder take their seats together and Marley finds a bouquet containing her favourite flower, peonies, that “Jake” has placed in her seat. She wonders aloud about how he knew they were her favourites, and Ryder supplies that “Jake” had remembered her mentioning it in the choir room once. At this point, I am like “oh my lord, this is a full on Cyrano de Bergerac” as Jake silently thanks Ryder for his help and Ryder gives him the thumbs up, and then, guess what, has another private sad sigh.
Meanwhile, Kurt and Blaine risk running late for the ceremony, as they are currently caught up in ripping one another’s clothes off in the back seat of what I’m assuming is Blaine’s car. It’s their hottest make-out to date, made all the more appealing by their casual conversation and genuine passion, as opposed to the syrupy, sexless romance that most of their past interactions have dripped with. Kurt laughs at the situation, but is quick to remind Blaine that this doesn’t mean they’re back together, as he’s dating someone in New York. Blaine, who is clearly willing to take what he can get when it comes to Kurt, hides his disappointment in one blink and assures Kurt that it’s all cool, and that this is just “bros helping bros.” Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot. It seems Kurt cannot, with this statement, either, as he smirks and dives back on top of Blaine, saying “I love it when you talk fratty.” They’re interrupted by a knocking on the car window – “Tell me that’s not Tina again,” Kurt snaps, which makes me wonder how many times their tryst has been interrupted. It’s not Tina, it’s Mercedes, who tells them that they need to knock it off, as the wedding is about to start. The two climb out of the car, giggling, as Mercedes sassily judges them, saying “You do realise how trashy blasphemous this is, right?” “Mercedes, everyone hooks up at weddings,” Kurt hushes her, and she drags her pair of “arm gays” towards the church, Blaine hunching forward and Kurt keeping his overcoat conveniently folded and held over the front of his pants. Wow, props for realism, Glee, but I can safely say that even back in the days of Jacob Ben-Israel orgasming in the public auditorium, Kurt Hummel hiding his wood is something I never expected to see.
Emma is alone and very nervous, preparing herself for the wedding. Her mental state is not helped by Sue, who walks in to talk to her, clothed in an exact replica of Emma’s own wedding dress. Emma seems past the stage of any histrionics, and just quietly asks Sue why she has done this, shaking her head in disbelief. Sue’s answer is, apparently, to get back at Will for hiring Finn, which… okay? I am not sure how this is a punishment for Will? Emma puts the incredulous situation aside and begins to speak to Sue about her fears, saying that she can’t think straight and that she’s worried the marriage isn’t going to work. “Well, of course it isn’t going to work. You’re a weird bird-lady with a hollow pelvis and OCD. And Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children. And his best friend? Nineteen.” Every time Sue Sylvester throws shade at Will’s unhealthy relationship with the glee club, an angel gets its wings. Emma ignores Sue’s rationale and goes on to explain that in her last marriage, she became someone she didn’t recognise, and she begins to really freak out, losing her breath as a camera flashes and we cut back to Will, singing the opening to “Getting Married Today,” the comedic piece from Stephen Sondheim’s Company, as he greets the guests and waits at the altar. Emma, naturally, takes over the female lead, singing at double speed about how she’s not getting married today, and Mercedes takes the third part of the wedding singer who breaks up the couple’s verses with the hymnal chorus. They do it fairly well – Jayma particularly sounds perfect for this song and her delivery is impeccable, even if the lip-synching is not the best job Glee has ever done – and the song ends, much as it does in the musical, with the bride leaving the wedding and leaving her groom stranded at the altar.
The guests expectantly look down the church as the organ plays. Sue enters and struts down the aisle grandly. Will, to his credit, takes this in stride and asks Sue what the hell she’s doing, more resigned than anything. She quietly tells him that Emma has left, and that she’s trying to stop the situation becoming an utter fiasco. I am not sure how walking the aisle in place of the bride helps the situation in any way – I mean, what was Will going to do, marry her instead? – but Sue’s logic is not like our Earth logic. Will’s face falls. Cut to several minutes, or hours, later, and the church has emptied. Will and Finn remain, sitting on the altar steps. Finn – who clearly blames himself – tries to help Will struggle through the situation while also trying to gauge from Will whether Emma had said anything implicating him. Will, however, also blames himself, for leaving Emma alone with all the stress and planning, and brushing off her concerns as her usual OCD. Finn’s unsubtle questioning, however, leads Will to Finn if Finn thinks that there was something – or someone – else that may have interfered. He clearly doesn’t suspect Finn, but Finn is saved from having to answer by Santana, who has been sent by the rest of the group to ask Will what he wants to do about the waiting reception. Will advises them to go ahead and not let the party go to waste, while he goes off to look for Emma.
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