Blaine Warbler is on his way to becoming Actual Blaine Warbler again, and Sam accosts him as he clears out his locker. He thinks Blaine is exiling himself to Dalton to further punish himself for cheating on Kurt. Sam, I love you, but shut up. Who in their right mind would consider leaving McKinley a punishment? Anyway, they go on to talk about what actually happened when Blaine cheated, and we get a flashback of Blaine pulling his shirt back on, looking distraught as his hook-up guy, Eli, comes back into the room. Blaine claims that it all happened because he felt like Kurt was moving on with his life without Blaine, and it made him think that maybe he and Kurt weren’t meant to spend the rest of their lives with each other – but that as soon as he did the deed, he realized that they were, and he’d just potentially ruined that.
Sam tells Blaine that he must tell Kurt that, and Blaine starts to lose control, getting upset about how Kurt will never trust him or forgive him. Sam does say something that I love him for, which is that even if Kurt doesn’t forgive Blaine, Blaine has to forgive himself, but I’m not speaking to Sam at the moment because, after begging Blaine to stay one more day in order to convince him not to leave, and to prove that people don’t think he’s a bad person, Blaine agrees to stay at McKinley and I hate life. It would make perfect, utter sense for him to transfer back, not as a punishment but as a sensible choice that made sense for the character.
I’m still too bitter to appreciate that the montage of Sam convincing Blaine to stay takes place while the pair sing David Bowie’s “Heroes.” If I was in a better mood I’d point out that it’s the first time Glee has touched Bowie, and if it hadn’t been given to one or both of my boys I’d have set fire to Paramount Studios. I’d point out that the song was written by Brian Eno, and create meta about it being a nod to Blaine’s Roxy Music fanboyism. I’d talk about how cute the club is when painting over the graffiti wall together and end up painting each other.
I’d talk about how much I genuinely do love Sam and Blaine’s friendship, how I think they deserve one another, and how, if I wasn’t so annoyed, I would die a little inside and them shoving each other’s faces at the end of the song. But no. I had a dream in my heart, Sam Evans, a dream of a content Blaine Warbler, and you killed it. I sincerely hope you work VERY hard to make him happy, now. Hey, does anyone remember that for about five minutes in season 2, when Sam told Quinn he used to go to an all-boys boarding school, how fandom made this epic conclusion that Sam had been at Dalton and that he and Blaine were roommates there? Remember that? That would have been awesome.
Anyway, Sam and Blaine go on a secret mission together to steal back their trophy from the Warblers, breaking into the security cabinet and leaving Blaine’s blazer in its place, with a note attached saying “no thanks.” Ergh. The be-masked Nightbird and Blond Chameleon run across the Dalton lawn, and as they leap into the air, we get comic-book pop-art freeze frames exclaiming “Blam!” “Slaine!” I will begrudgingly admit that I am glad that Blaine has one real actual friend, but I wish the idea of returning to Dalton hadn’t been painted as such a villainous one in this superhero-themed episode, because if this had been done as a legitimate plot line it just would have made sense for Blaine.
It would have made sense at the start of the season, too, after spending season 3 at McKinley making friends with no one and following Kurt around. But no. Darren Criss is Glee‘s hottest property, so they were never, ever going to allow his role to recede, even when it made the most sense for the character. They have no problem letting Schuester’s role recede, and this is the second episode this season not to feature Kurt and Rachel in New York – but Blaine and his misery must stay front and center, so the Warblers must become villains and not a viable option. Sigh.
Back at McKinley, Ryder has to cancel his date with Marley, due to a 7 a.m. appointment with the best dyslexia specialist in Ohio the morning after his football game. Marley says “oh of course, I totally understand, this is really important, thank you for telling me,” PSYCH! No she doesn’t, she whines and wheedles that she’d really been looking forward to it, even after he explains his reasoning, though she accepts his offer to reschedule to next Friday. Then, after Kitty convinces her that Ryder probably isn’t that into her, she goes and asks Jake out for this Friday. Kitty stares in horror – this clearly wasn’t what she planned, she just wanted to make Marley a bit more paranoid about her body.
Sam and Blaine present the trophy back to Finn and the club, Blaine says some sickening lies about how McKinley and New Directions were truly his home, and how Finn’s a great leader – well, that’s not a too much of a lie, he’s doing better than Will – and the club presents Finn with a supply kit to help him out with basic teacher equipment. You know, markers, antacid, a severed doll’s head. Normal stuff. They do a group huddle – everyone except Unique, apparently they didn’t feel like paying Alex Newell this week. Unique was not in this episode at all. Remember in season 1 when they used to make actual excuses for when a student was absent, and it became part of the plot? Anyway, they all cheer each other on, finally a united team, and perform “Some Nights” by fun. on the auditorium stage. It’s been a while since we had an episode close with a big, traditional group number performed in the good old jeans and matching coloured t-shirts. Everybody gets a solo line, and the shirts are red. It’s so season 1 that it hurts. We finally have our cohesive New Directions 2.0.
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