Our Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 3 recap will refresh your summer-fuzzed memories of Coulson and co.’s epic adventures. Also, it rhymes.
Here’s what happened in ‘Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ season 3
When we returned from our summer vacation
Quite a few things needed clarification
May was on leave, and “Huntingbird” kissing
While Simmons, of course, was still totally missing.
And also, for reasons that long remained hazy
Skye had decided to call herself “Daisy.”
She chopped off her hair, got a badass new suit
A new partner, and leveled-up powers to boot.
We then met a few rather crucial new players
Who would, it turns out, hide just all kinds of layers
Inhumans, sweet Joey and chest-puncher Lash
Plus Rosalind Price, who gave Coulson heat rash.
Meanwhile, Ward was still playing the scene
Turning Hydra into his own vengeance machine
But if you’re concerned by Ward-overexposure
Rest easy; we’re all gonna get us some closure.
First order of business, accomplished chick-chock
Was rescuing Simmons from Stupid Black Rock.
She had not been destroyed and had not been devoured
But survived on a planet for 5,000 hours!
Remember that planet, it’s function is vital
And not just because it has death in its title
The portal that carried our Jemma away
Was keeping someone — or something — else at bay.
Of course, Simmons’ rescue arrived with a bill
In the form of a left-behind hog-face named Will
And Jemma, indebted to best friend and lover
Was desperate to rescue one love with another.
But relationship drama, though this was extreme
Was par for the course for the rest of the team.
(Well, Bobbi and Hunter were more-or-less happy
But everyone else was in stages of crappy.)
Daisy kept trying to keep track of Lincoln
Who was fighting the demons that started him drinkin’
But for a good while, I gotta confess
Lincoln’s just kind of a steaming hot mess.
Meanwhile, Andrew had pissed off poor May
By leaving her when they decided he’d stay
But it turns out he had a good reason to dash
Cuz Andrew was really the Inhuman Lash!
And Coulson and Rosalind got rather close
While trying to flirt their new “foe” comatose
But with Rosalind putting Inhumans in goo
Could Coulson be sure that her motives were true?
The writers concealed it as long as they could
But Rosalind Price, in the end, was all good.
Lincoln returned, having not been dismissed,
And Simmons and Fitz got so pissed that they kissed!
With Gideon Malick their number-one foe
Our agents of justice were ready to go
But if you had thought we had time to relax
You forgot that this show charges happiness tax.
Rosalind Price lost her life to Grant Ward
And, being the person that Coulson adored,
This got our Director quite hot in the head
To the point that he made Mack Director instead!
Malick and Ward, now a villainous team
Schemed to fulfill Hydra’s founding wet-dream
To free an Inhuman from his ancient cell
Which happened to be the place Will had called Hell.
With coercion and torture and purest dumb luck,
Fitz, Coulson, and Ward toured the Planet of Suck
But sadly for Simmons, Will Daniels was dead
His body belonged to the Hydra instead.
Fitz figured out how to “kill” the immortal
Before it could limp its way back through the portal
But Coulson, let’s put it, was… not at his best
And he killed Ward by crushing the fallen man’s chest.
But in (so to speak) putting Ward in a hearse
Coulson unleashed something, oh, so much worse.
The Ward we had known was no longer alive
But his back-on-Earth body was now home to Hive.
After the break, there was more promised doom
In three months, a cross, and an agent, and BOOM!
We also met Yo-Yo, the goddess of speed
Who would join up with SHIELD in their hour of need.
That hour, of course, would arrive rather quickly
As Hive ate some humans to stop looking sickly
Inhumans, however, were not to be killed
But psychically roofied to do as he willed.
And then we bid Hunter and Bobbi farewell
(Ostensibly, they had more stories to tell.)
We’ll give you a moment to drink and to cry;
‘Cuz we still aren’t over that damned Spy’s Goodbye.
With two valued agents now out of commission
The show spilled the beans on that damned premonition
The future hit Daisy smack-dab in the face:
An agent was destined to blow up in space.
“It cannot get worse!” Mo and Jed heard us say
And they laughed, making Daisy fall under Hive’s sway.
After murdering Malick and crushing the base
Daisy joined up with the slug-man from space.
Then Hive embarked on his plan of perfection
To hook all humanity in his “connection”
(We’d really prefer universal wi-fi
But old Kree experiments! Give that a try.)
But Radcliffe’s attempts led to loss after loss
It seemed that they needed Kree blood in the sauce
So Hive lured the Kree down to Earth to attack
But the blue men — and Daisy — weren’t counting on Mack.
By destroying the Kree in mid-body drain
Mack had unleashed a whole earthquake of pain
Daisy went crazy, but Mack wouldn’t fight
It was only May’s shooting saved him that night.
Desperate to see Hive’s desires fulfilled
Daisy suggested that her blood be spilled.
That Kree-based transfusion from… hey, season one!
Was just what they needed to get the job done.
Meanwhile, Lincoln was going stir crazy
Desperate to find and de-Hive-ify Daisy
His early attempts were… well, stupid and scary
But then he and May hit on a last Hail Mary.
Lash, plus a quinjet, plus Hive, with breath baited —
Could Hive be the reason why Lash was created?
Though they (and the audience) thought they were sure
Lash wasn’t Hive’s death — but he was his cure.
But as he freed Daisy from mental detention
Lash was murdered by James (who I didn’t mention.)
Daisy returned to the base broken-hearted
But woah, was her woefulness just getting started.
At this point, I guess I’ll sum up the relief
Cuz not everybody was drowning in grief
FitzSimmons, at very long last, did the do!
And we think Mack-Elena might do the do too.
(And yeah, there was something about Civil War
As the movie star heroes threw tantrums galore
But frankly, their problems seem kind of microbal
Since Hive was about to take brainwashing global.)
So at last, we dove into the season finale
And the team got in gear for their anti-Hive rally
Despite the adventure, we all felt a pall
For one of our agents was destined to fall.
The horrible, lingering question of fate
Drove us mad as the writers compelled us to wait
One hour in, we were ready to scream
As the telltale items skipped through the whole team!
But the crew captured Hive with unparalleled ease
By blasting the guy with his corpse memories
Alas, at the Playground, the monster broke free
Just in time to meet his former favorite sway-ee.
Daisy, unable to deal with her pain
Begged the Inhuman to take back her brain
He tried to oblige, but just looked like a goof —
With his dying act, Lash had made Daisy Hive-proof.
They battled, but Daisy was way overmatched
And taken along with the Zephyr Hive snatched
Fitz and May went up with Zephyr One too
To be joined pretty fast by the rest of the crew.
As a holograph sneakily took Coulson’s place
We got a good look at Hive’s wriggly face
And Coulson decided the warhead could blow
In space by itself — and that no one need go.
But Daisy, just lousy with guilt and with need
Decided that she very much disagreed
With no other thought about how to atone,
The death she’d foreseen, she thought, must be her own.
But fate has a way of perverting your plans
Whether or not there’s a cross in your hands
In the bomb-heavy jet, someone else lay in wait —
Poor injured Lincoln, who stole Daisy’s fate.
And well… you guys know the end of this story
Lincoln went out in a spark of sad glory
Hive was destroyed and the planet was saved
And Daisy bereft of the closure she craved.
Six months had passed when the story resumed
And it looked as though S.H.I.E.L.D. as we knew it was doomed.
Thinking that Lincoln died for her mistake
Daisy had gone both full goth and full Quake.
Stealing and matchmaking, all on the sly
Daisy had also, um, learned how to fly??
Which made it quite hard for her friends to detect her
Including poor Coulson — no longer Director.
If that were too meager to leave us fans reeling
The show chose to smash the glass LMD ceiling
Thank Dr. Radcliffe, as AIDA’s new master!
We’re sure there’s no way this will end in disaster.
But as we look forward into season four
It looks like we’ll have one or two problems more
Like loyalties fractured, and stakes soaring higher,
And also that dude whose whole head is on fire.
I hope you enjoyed this synoptical rhyme
And watch Agents ofSH.I.E.L.D. in its sexy new time.
Oh, this show we adore, and that hurts us the most!
Be there Tuesday at 10 p.m. EST for “The Ghost”!
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