Welcome! If you’re reading this it’s because YOU (yes, you!) have been chosen to compete in a gruelling, televised fight to the death for the enjoyment of audiences all across the country!
This guide has been provided in response to the disappointingly high rate of escape attempts and noncooperation in recent competitions. We know the arena can be stressful – after all, most of you are marching to your untimely deaths! But the competition isn’t merely a barbaric contest for the amusement and twisted revenge fantasies of a power-hungry elite! It’s a demonstration of national pride and resolute inner strength!
Some of you may recall that in past competitions, training was provided by a series of on-site experts in a variety of fields. However, there was one field that all our trainers were skilled in – TREASON! Well we made them experts in another one – being executed!
Due to this, we’ve replaced on-site training with this educational guide. This will allow us to provide you all the instruction you need to successfully entertain national audiences by avoiding boring beginner mistakes – after all, anyone can die, but only a few can die with style. As an added bonus, we’ve put the money we’ve saved from paying all those expensive professionals right back into the arena budget! That’s right – thanks to their callous and selfish betrayal of our righteous leaders, you’ll get to experience more complex traps, more malevolent hazards, and an even wider menagerie of exotic beasts hungry for your flesh!
But on to the training! First: alliances. An alliance, as everyone knows, is when a group of people band together to achieve a shared goal. By definition, any alliance made during the competition will be temporary – after all, there’s no ‘fair way’ to murder your closest friends! By keeping this fact in mind you can best prepare yourself to outwit your fellows.
For example, let’s say you’ve formed an alliance with the goal of taking out a rival group. Through skill, coordination, and dumb luck, you and your allies manage to eliminate your rivals to a man. This is the perfect time to betray your friends before they betray you! Without the unifying purpose of taking out an enemy team to unite you, the group is doomed to descend into infighting – and if you don’t act first, chances are you’ll do something else first – get murdered!
Sure, someone may suggest a new goal for the group – say, something horribly ill-advised and completely pointless such as trying to escape – but don’t fall for it! They’re just suggesting this as a means to get you to let your guard down so they can stab you in the back and run through your pockets for spare supplies!
But you might be thinking – what if my allies betray me before we complete our first goal? Well, that’s good thinking on your part. Indeed, your so-called ‘allies’ may betray you at any time. To combat this, we suggest constantly keeping a close watch on them, and never letting them be in a superior position to you.
In conclusion, alliances can be crucial to your survival in the arena, but if you enter into one, be sure never to trust anyone, as they’re all secretly plotting to kill you.
Secondly: Equipment! The first thing to know about equipment is that you need it! Human bodies, as good as they are at talking, eating, and running are notoriously bad at several common functionalities provided by equipment including, but not limited to:
But the arena provides such a bewildering array of equipment – what to grab first? An excellent question. That all depends on your personality, and whether you want to win or not! (Doesn’t everyone want to win you might ask? Sure, but only one can, so maybe the others should try wanting something else, like a dramatically interesting death!)
The Bow! This is the ideal weapon for hardened warriors with years of hunting skill and the raw courage to strike their targets true. For everyone else, you’re likely to end up missing. A lot.
The Knife! Perfect for stabbing friends in the back, slitting throats, and stabbing over and over into someone while screaming to the heavens “WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!?!?!” Also great for cutting bread and cake!
The Backpack of Supplies! Not a weapon, per se… but far better in the hands of the crafty! With this you can wait out the competition or even cunningly weave together an ingenious trap! Or just carry things. Like rocks! Plenty of those, tons of uses…probably.
The Assault Rifle! Wait… how’d you get one of those?! Those aren’t supposed to be in the arena! If you find one of these, do NOT use it. Sure, its unrivaled killing power will carve you a bloody path to victory, but you’d be breaking the rules! And let me tell you – in the games, you don’t break the rules – they break YOU!
Finally: Escaping – don’t even try! First of all, no one has EVER escaped!
Now I know what you’re thinking. Why, I’ll be the first to make it out of there. That’s what they all say! Before they die.
Sure, you may think that gathering a group of your fellows and banding together to attempt a daring escape may succeed – but it never has before. To answer why, we turn to the discipline of psychology – the study of the mind. According to psychological principals, when someone is ‘incentivized’ to do something, they’re far more likely to do it. And in the Last One Standing competition, everyone involved is incentivized heavily to do one thing and one thing only – kill everyone else!
So you see, trying to resist the overwhelming might of your benevolent and all-powerful rulers who have so graciously allowed you the chance to win your fortune and prove your heroism in front of millions is hopeless! And, despite what the persistent rumors claim, it has never happened before and will never happen again! Now go and have a noble, honorable competition through which only one of you will live!
Want to try your own hand at surviving the arena? Check out Last One Standing on Kickstarter and play the games YOUR way!
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