Glee season 5, episode 2 “Tina In The Sky With Diamonds” aired last night – read our full recap of the second half of Glee’s Beatles tribute, along with a sneak peek of next week’s Cory Monteith tribute episode.
To start with, Blaine Anderson would like to make sure he tells y’all early on in the episode just how engaged he is. Look, as much as I adored last week’s episode, I foresee this topic getting old real fast. He commiserates with BFF Sam about the latter’s pathetic, loveless life and platonic yet high maintenance prom date, Tina. In the middle of Schuester’s still-wooden delivery about Beatles Week Two: The Stoner Years, Sue comes over the PA system to announce the junior-senior prom court nominees, including Blaine, Artie, and Stoner Brett, because apparently this school no longer has jocks, and also including Kitty (“…but I’m a sophomore,”) two other Cheerios, and, for some reason, Tina.
Tina is absolutely ecstatic and even manages to shoehorn in a “bigger than Jesus” Lennon reference while going into immediate power-trip mode. She dumps Sam as her date, and asks for the club’s support. Tina then breaks into a rousing version of “Revolution” before almost immediately being cut off by the school bell. It’s nice to know that Glee’s torture of Tina has become a purposeful thing and not just incidental neglect, I guess.
Word gets around fast at McKinley, and Kitty is soon accosted by Bree – backed up by a whole gang of Cheerios – about her choice not to campaign and to offer her support to Tina. Bree’s aggressive monologue to Kitty on this matter is basically the equivalent of getting slapped in the face twenty-seven times in a row, and covers everything from some loosely covered-up F-bombs to transphobia about Unique to condescension about Kitty’s affection for glee to asking whether Kitty is genuinely mentally disabled. Fun times. They’re doing a great job at making Kitty an incredibly vulnerable character this season, which if you had asked me this time last year, I wouldn’t have thought it was possible. This begs the question: just how bad can “the bad Cheerio” get? From Quinn to Santana to Kitty – all people we now love – to Bree, how much can they keep escalating?
“I like yeast in my bagel, but not in my muffin,” is an actual sentence I have to hear Santana Lopez say, thanks a lot Glee, in the commercial for yeast-infection medication commercial she scored, making her the first of the New York trio to book work as a performer. Rachel, absolutely certain that she’s failed in her Funny Girl dreams, acts very mature and happy for Santana, but looks a little desperate while hugging her. Later, Kurt calls her on it, saying in the real world, she’d be dying of jealousy, and that Rachel has lost all her drive. He says it isn’t healthy to focus all your self-worth around one single thing.
“That’s easy for you to say, you just got engaged,” she says, to which the very mellow Kurt responds “True, but I’m not pinning all my future happiness on it.” Ladies and gentlemen, the most sensible line in the history of Glee, or the most sensible line in the history of Glee? Kurt attempts to revive Rachel’s mojo by leading her in a performance of “Get Back” in the middle of a bunch of pianos at NYADA. It’s pretty average.
In one of the more convoluted plots we have had in a good long while, Sue comes into the choir room where Sam and Schue are having a little chat about Sam’s pathetic, loveless life, and announces that in an attempt to eliminate illness-based absence, students will be vaccinated by the new school nurse. When is Sam is sent to the school medical clinic, he meets Penny, the college sophomore nursing-student hopeful that Sue has hired. It’s a derpy meet-cute between the pair, while I get that Penny’s incompetence in the medical profession is intended to be adorable and quirky and well-matched to Sam’s personality, I find it terrifying.
Meanwhile, Tina, and Tina’s re-hired assistant Dottie Kazatori are dismayed to find the school covered in Kitty promotional posters. They find Kitty, also dismayed, staring at the scene – hundreds of posters of Kitty’s head photo-shopped onto Olivia Munn’s body – but the entire glee club scolds Kitty, not taking her word that she didn’t put up the posters. “Why does no one believe me? Oh right. The habitual lying,” Kitty says to herself, before beginning to tear down the posters, and you guys, Becca Tobin’s delivery on this is genius, she might be my new fave.
At the Spotlight Diner, Santana and Demi Lovato’s Dani have some bonding time about their families and being gay and stuff. I’m not sure I would have opened the conversation with “Do you think your parents, like, knew you were going to grow up to be a lesbian,” when this fact has not yet been established – in fact, Dani deadpans some offended denial – but the girl makes Santana awkward in a super cute way. It’s a shame Santana is so freaking adorable, because I already hate this relationship due to Dani’s casual dismissal of dating a bisexual woman as something “lesser” than Santana should have – I mean, Brittany was a douche, but it wasn’t because she was bi, it was because she was a douche, but Glee has a bad history with bisexuality, one of my least favorite things about the show.
Anyway, Santana excuses herself to go have an adorable panic attack at Rachel, and it’s a gorgeous friendship moment that makes me just coo at how far they’ve come, but it unfortunately also includes some more discussion of how this is a big deal because Dani is a “real” lesbian. I just. I get it, I get it coming from Santana’s mindset and coming from Lima and that this is how this character, without much life experience, would see the situation. But can we please get some cool, savvy NYC side character to throw in a bit of perspective here because seeing the show put this stuff across as the pushed viewpoint is hurting my soul.
Sam has taken to routinely injuring himself in order to get more time with Penny. Blaine and Artie catch him at this – biting his own arm and claiming it was a snake – and Sam, a bit panicked, explains that he can only expose people to his personality in small doses or they’ll freak out. The others encourage him, and Sam beings to sing “Something” as he sees Penny drop a bunch of medical vials in the hallway. She wears a lot of inappropriate sundresses for a nurse, it must be noted here, because all the guys at McKinley have sure noted it.The song continues over a montage of Sam watching Penny in health class and volunteering for a Heimlich maneuver demonstration, ends with a fantasy prom date where the couple slow dances in formal wear on the empty auditorium stage. After the number, Sam finds out that Penny has been fired for incompetence – given that she accidentally injected a Cheerio with someone else’s urine, I’d say that’s a valid call – but Sam is determined to not let that be the end of Penny, declaring that he wants to see her more, and making her successfully give him the vaccination. He then goes to Sue and pleads Penny’s case, and Sue agrees to let Penny stay.
At the end of an all-nighter at the diner, Rachel declares her intention to start auditioning for every part that she possibly can, and not get stuck on the Funny Girl thing anymore. She also shoves Santana, with a wink and a nudge, towards Dani for some alone-time in the near-empty restaurant. Dani tells a slightly cheesy anecdote about watching the sun rise at the end of these shifts, and invites Santana to watch it with her. She then starts playing “Here Comes The Sun,” which is one of my favorite Beatles songs ever (if you can guess my number one fave, I’ll give you a shout-out on Twitter), and they sing it together on Dani’s acoustic guitar. It’s pretty, but a little too literal for my tastes, even if it does contain the double meaning of hope and new beginnings. I just don’t know that they needed to pair it with an actual sunrise. But whatever. Santana walks Dani home in the early light, Santana is so pretty that I want to cry, and they share a light little kiss.
Prom night at McKinley starts with everyone entering to “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” an onstage number lead by Ryder, Jake Marley and Unique and which had the potential to be a total showstopper but was relegated to background music. People get their photos taken, all that jazz, and Sam starts to put the moves on Penny by the punch bowl. He manages to convince her to dance with him, and across the room, we see that Bree has bought Dottie Kazatori’s services – she had earlier asked, while Dottie was running around doing her “Vote for Tina, don’t be racist!” campaigning (…yeah) whether Dottie wanted to join the Cheerios, and it seems she has bribed Dottie into setting up a prank involving Slushies.
Sue begins to make the announcements – “Congratulations, New Directions, you’ve achieved the impossible, you’ve made me hate the Beatles,” – and then reveals Stoner Brett and Tina as the Prom King and Queen. A few seconds into Tina’s fairytale moment, she gets a giant bucket of slushie dumped on her from a rig-up above. Bree’s pulling the strings here, but it’s Dottie who actually pulls the rope, and Kitty spots her a few seconds too late. Tina is covered in red ice, horrified, and the room is totally silent until Bree starts up a chorus of laughter, and because people are cattle, most of the crowd joins in.
The glee club rushes after Tina and find her sobbing in the choir room. She tries to leave, but they beg her not to. Blaine offers her two options, both of which the group will support – they can take her home, or they can clean her up and take her out to own that prom and be their queen. Blaine, you may remember, has been in this position, for Kurt, and perhaps this gives Tina pause, because she takes his words to heart and allows the club to start cleaning her up while Blaine leads the singing of “Hey Jude,” which we can only thank Grilled Cheesus does not have any Glee-style lyric changes to “Hey Tina.” Kitty changes into sweatpants and gives Tina her pink dress, and Tina leads the gang back into the prom and takes the stage. The whole room cheers for her, which.. I just.. you just all laughed at her, so, you know, whatever, I really wouldn’t worry about valuing these people’s opinions, girl. But all Tina wants is the dream of mainstream popularity, so she’s thrilled.
The next day, Coach Roz drags Bree – by her hair – in to see Principal Sylvester. Roz, in her absurd way of speaking, does make the incredibly valid point that Bree should be suspended for her prank, but of course, Sue feels like she’s discovered a new ally, and gives Bree the position of head Cheerio, a LeCar, and the assignment of torturing New Directions because the glee club needs an enemy. Okay. We’re doing this again, I guess.
In New York, Kurt appears – in uniform – at the diner, the newest member of the singing waitstaff because shows set in New York need an eating establishment for everyone to hang out at, it’s the law. He, Santana and Rachel chat about how satisfied they all are with life – Kurt with his engagement, Rachel with her determination and self confidence, and Santana with a girlfriend that she doesn’t have to worry about “straying for penis.” (Just one more tiny rant – this is not how this works. If someone is going to cheat on you, Santana, they’re going to do it with a guy or a girl, and it will be because they’re an ass, not because they’re bisexual. Please stop saying this is a thing, Glee.)
The trio make a pledge to stay together in New York for two years – successes or failures, to just stick it out together – and then their weird boss comes over and tells them that a certain table is asking for Rachel specifically. It’s the Funny Girl director, Mr Campion, played by Peter Facinelli. Coolly, and kindly, he asks Rachel if the diner serves whole cakes, and I pick up immediately what he’s playing at, although Rachel doesn’t – she’s the consummate professional and has really accepted that this particular thing isn’t hers. She doesn’t even show curiosity and goes to get his order, but he calls her back and asks her if the kitchen can write a message on it. Again, Rachel says sure, not really displaying interest as to why, and Campion tells her the message for the cake – “Congratulations Rachel Berry, you are Fanny Brice.” Rachel’s hand flies to her mouth and she holds back tears and immediately starts to shriek to the room about what has happened. Because it’s a Broadway industry diner, making this kind of a scene is sort of acceptable, and everyone applauds. The episode ends with the New York group – Rachel, Kurt, Santana and Dani – drinking and celebrating at the loft while singing “Let It Be,” while the glee club in Lima performs the same number as a group on the auditorium stage as the end of their Beatles extravaganza.
Next week, in “The Quarterback,” Glee says goodbye to its first hero, Finn Hudson, in an tribute to the memory of Cory Monteith.
Glee season 5, episode 3 “The Quarterback,” airs Thursday, October 10 at 9 p.m ET on Fox.
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