In this column, Richard looks at the need to routinely cleanse ourselves from our planet’s greatest irritation: people.
In our modern age, what are the truly great things about living? The Internet is rather good; it has porn and porn is great. Cars are pretty convenient, and convenience is great. If you’re American, you probably think cheese is great, since you put it on essentially everything that’s edible, and eating is great.
Do you know what’s not great? People. People are just awful. All of them, even you. Especially you. But ESPECIALLY me.
The Internet is actually great because it allows us to spend time away from people. Cars are actually great because they allow us to drive away from people. And cheese is great in spite of people (because the main ingredient comes from cows). Throughout my week, I encounter numerous obnoxious cretins, postulating some ecclesiastical agenda that is unwillingly absorbed into my body, feeding an angry tumour of shit that slowly devours my very soul, if you believe in such a thing. It might be a neighbour whose protruding arrogance invokes mental retching as your brain vomits out the crap that was just instilled into it. It may be a child walking down the street impressing a group of friends with crude canards because they’ve not yet learnt that racism, theft, vandalisation, intimidation and misogyny aren’t actually funny. Or it may even just be the daily irritation that after 35,000 years of humanity and several hundred years of the English language, people are still unable to surpass the challenge of deciphering the difference between “there”, “their” and “they’re”.
If people were better, perhaps I wouldn’t have become so callous. Other than social isolation (which I’ll come onto momentarily), we all have ways of taking out our populate-frustration caused by the population. For example, when Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormons ring the doorbell and ask if you could spare some time to talk about the necessary repression of homosexuality, I spare no time in inviting them in and firing the most overt sexual questions that I can think of and watching them squirm. (Lesson: if they aren’t squirming, then you aren’t asking the right questions. They’ll break eventually). But harbouring such animosity can’t be healthy. We could become complete social recluses and although this can be tantalising, it’s likely to have detrimental effects towards your levels of personal hygiene. No one likes a smelly shut-in.
So the answer? Allocated “down-time”. You-time. Me-time. Alone-time. Fuck-off-time. Inauspicious by its very subtlety and yet necessary to cleanse ourselves from the daily doses of dickheadishness that we must endure routinely, as if working, studying, paying taxes, mourning, breaking bones, feeling unwell, cancers, and diarrhea weren’t bad enough. “No”, says humanity. “You must endure more!” Psychologists say a lack of social interaction causes depression. I say that increased social interaction causes repression.
Finding solace can itself be quite tricky. If you work full-time, then simply leaving your desk for an hour to de-stress isn’t generally acceptable. Instead, I like to put a pen in one hand, rest my head on my other hand and pretend that I’m reading a long document. Actually, I’m sleeping and as long as I don’t snore, no one is the wiser. After 20 minutes, I’m ready to continue arguing with colleagues again. If you’re a teenager or simply live with your parents, this is even easier. They fully expect you to be in your room with the door locked, in some way interfering with yourself. May as well make the most of it and use the time to clear your mind, read a book or play a video game. You can damn well be sure that your family aren’t going to want to come into your room. In fact, if anything, create some pretence that you’re extremely sexually repressed and thus need more “me” time than others, and you can have hours of uninterrupted freedom that other humans won’t ruin.
However, reading a book, playing a game or sleeping are cliché examples. As a former computer scientist (and trust me, we KNOW how to avoid people), there are far more adventurous ways of detoxing yourself from the filth of human contact. Let me share some with you:
Remember what Batman taught you
No one wanted to be around Batman; he looked funny, talked aggressively and threw smoke pellets to distract you. What should you take from this? Buy a cape. If you walk around with a cape, chances are, people will leave you firmly the hell alone. Plus you get to look cool. There’s no downside whatsoever, unless a villain appears and decides to make you his arch nemesis. But these are erroneous circumstances.
Join an IRC chatroom
IRC (Internet Relay Chat) is the technology that underpins most Internet chatrooms. Nowadays, IRC servers are mostly confined to computer-literate technology outlets. Without question, you will find the absolute worst of the worst of humanity in here. You will not be welcome in any way shape or form and people will naturally dislike you not for joining their particular chat room, but for even thinking about joining. This is perfect. Why? Because things could not possibly be worse and you will have absolutely zero expectations of civility. You will be hated, and in turn, will hate everyone else. An hour in an IRC chatroom and you will pull yourself out of the gutter and back to the curb where you can crawl along with civilisation for another few hours, content in the knowledge that that you no longer have to google words like “lulz”, “furries” or “leet” to learn about their meanings.
Be excessively nice to people
If there’s one thing we distrust, it’s a nice person. At least with a cynical bastard, you get what you expect. With a nice person, you’re always wondering at the back of your mind if they are up to something and as a result, naturally try to distance yourself from them. Be overtly friendly, polite and charming and people will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Start a new pseudo-science
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that people will believe all sorts of nonsense on the Web. Whether it’s homeopathy (where you believe that water has “memories” and can help rid you of afflictions and diseases), or nutritionism (where you somehow think beetroot or wine cures cancer), or astrology (where you believe that someone born in the same month as you shares distinct personality traits; including racism and paedophilia one would assume), anti-vaxers (who think that medical vaccinations against polio and measles cause autism), rapturists (who think the End of Days is coming and are quite excited about it), and a whole host of other nonsense ideas. So what do you do? Start a new one! Something completely outrageous, ridiculous and implausible. Post it online; I guarantee you that someone will believe it. Soon two people will. Then they will convince more people, and the chain continues. What do you get out of this? You get to laugh at the stupidity. You get to feel a lot better about yourself because as dumb as you may be on a lot of subjects, at least you are not THIS dumb. And they are. Suckers. Commit the single greatest piece of Internet trolling in history and it will do wonders for your self-esteem.
Anyway, these are only suggestions. I’d like to hear your own ways of repelling humans. I’ll even tweet out the best ones.
In the meantime, I must end this piffle. I’ve inadvertently wasted my “alone-time” writing this and now I have to drag myself back to society, put on a polite face and pretend that I like everyone. Except you.
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