You’ve seen what we DON’T want to happen, now check out our own personal wishlist.
“Sony announces they are no longer jerks, will release Spider-Man rights to Marvel”
Back when Marvel made comics and only comics, it went ahead and sold its most valuable properties to anyone that would buy them. Fox got the Fantastic Four and X-Men, and Sony stole Spider-Man. After three films, Sony held on to Spider-Man, even after Disney/Marvel attempted negotiations to include Spidey in the biggest superhero crossover event ever. It even went further and rebooted its property to function as competition for Disney/Marvel, even going so far as to stamp a release date for a sequel, which is tentatively titled Amazing Spider-Man 2: He’s Still Technically Ours.
“Chris Brown to get in a bathtub full of scissors for women’s charity”
To borrow a line from the comedian who famously got Chris Brown to remove his Twitter account, “Call me old fashioned, but shouldn’t Chris Brown be in jail?” We can do you one better. Chris Brown apologizes for his horrific behavior, and proceeds to crawl into a bathtub filled with scissors and lemon juice. All profits from the event (there WILL be tickets sold) would be donated to women’s shelters across the globe.
“Three-time Oscar winner Meryl Streep to join Mockingjay cast”
The Hunger Games film series is no stranger to Oscar nominated and Oscar winning actors in their midst. Factions of fans have started online petitions to get Streep to play the integral role of President Coin, and we have the tendency to respond to such speculation with a calm, cool and collected round of “OMG YESSSSS.” Nothing could make us happier than if the record-proven “best actor to exist ever” were to come on board to help wrap up the series.
“Merlin to be renewed for sixth series, producers apologize for ruining everyone’s lives”
We’re celebrating a Month of Merlin here at Hypable, but the cause for our celebration is bittersweet. In a surprise move by the producers, fans were informed that series 5 would be Merlin‘s very last. With dozens of loose ends to tie up, only one solution makes sense: Dozens of new episodes to fulfill the fandom’s last requests.
“J.K. Rowling agrees to pen Hogwarts, A History“
We’re not talking about a 60-page Quidditch Through The Ages exercise in brevity. We want 1,000 yellowing pages of historical glory, ranging from subjects like how Hogwarts survived the goblin rebellion, to a detailed and definitive map of the castle. Really, any return to Hogwarts would be met with open arms, but if we had the opportunity to put Hogwarts, A History on our shelves, we would fork over a month’s worth of galleons in an instant.
“Every 3D projector in the world breaks at once, 3D films rendered obsolete”
Unless a portion of your movie involves Ryan Gosling stepping out of the screen to invite an audience member to join his romantic love triangle, 3D has no place in the art of storytelling. We don’t want to get ourselves into any legal trouble here, but if a pseudo-terrorist group had hatched a plot to fill every 3D projector on Earth with strawberry jam to stop studios from launching blatant money-grabbing techniques, we might donate the three dollars we would have spent on those annoying glasses to their cause instead.
“Spice Girls and N*SYNC to go on worldwide SYNC and Spice and Everything Nice tour”
Although both sets of groups have vehemently rejected the idea of a comeback, a touring show starring both sets of entertainers would have enough mass appeal to ensure that at least fifty percent of humans on the planet would buy a ticket.
“Emma Stone to star in Lucille Ball biopic Lucy“
This isn’t necessarily fandom based, but this bombshell actress has gained enough of a following to earn a fandom devoted just to her. Actors and actresses are recruited all the time to portray other famous people, and we can’t imagine anyone else with the humor, the class, and the chops to be able to take up the role. Bigwig studio producers everywhere, get on board with this before someone else does.
“Sherlock series 3 to premiere tomorrow, episodes to double in length”
Each episode of Sherlock already clocks in at just under the length of an average movie, but what if every episode was the length of the average Peter Jackson outing? What if these episodes were premiering tomorrow? Twice the Cumberbatch, twice the mystery, and all of it happening tomorrow. In true Sherlock fashion, that whole “delayed” move was a ruse to put fans off of the scent. If only.
“Disney buys rights to Firefly, proves that dreams can come true”
With the surprising news that Disney had resurrected Star Wars from the dead, it wouldn’t be altogether surprising to see that it is capable of granting wishes made upon a star. Yes, two of the show’s main players are currently involved in their own series, but that shouldn’t stop the magic makers over at Disney studios from bringing back the ‘verse that we fell in love with back in ’03.
Which headlines do you REALLY want to see in 2013? Write your own in the comments!
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