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Hypable

Before I say anything, let me first state that Lautnerphiles will not be disappointed by Abduction if they are paying the full ticket price just to see Taylor Lautner’s face and abs. That crowd can go ahead and bake a batch of cookies, gossip about the hot guy in school and expect a pleasant night at the movies.

Those hoping to catch anything other than “an evening with the hot guy from Twilight” can expect an assortment of stock characters loosely strung together by an illogical plot sailing on an ocean of tame PG-13 clichés.

Now, for those keeping up, I had an excellent time at the Abduction world premiere in Los Angeles. I got to mingle with stars, get free popcorn and watch a movie before anyone else. I found myself getting cautiously optimistic toward the film and I hadn’t yet seen any press or promotional material for it.

After the first thirty minutes, it became clear that Abduction has a distinct demographic that I am not a member of.

We are introduced to Lautner’s character as he makes his way to a party on the hood of a car. He drinks excessively and wakes up on the front lawn without his shirt. Five minutes in and Lautner already loses his shirt. That’s when I realized exactly what kind of movie I was in for, but I had no idea what was still on its way.

Abduction follows the story of a high schooler named Nathan who discovers via a sociology assignment (did anyone else have sociology in high school?) that his childhood photo is on a missing persons website. He immediately jumps to the conclusion that the child in the picture must be him because the kid in the photo is wearing a stained shirt that Nathan had as a kid. He even still has the shirt as evidence even though that is probably something that a normal person would throw away.

His sociology partner (Lily Collins) thinks that this all sounds too far-fetched (and we don’t blame her) and is skeptical since Nathan is “obviously disturbed”. She has spent the first fifteen minutes of the movie making it clear that she isn’t interested in Lautner’s character and thinks he’s a weirdo because of his “angry outbreaks” that are only mentioned in the exposition. Her disdain obviously doesn’t last long.

I kid you not, this is what happens next. Her shoulder accidentally rubs against his bicep and she becomes tied to him forever. Suddenly they are as close as can be. One shot where she makes contact with his heavenly bod is all the character development we need.

Anyway, a few minutes later, his life is immediately launched into a world of mystery and unease as he begins his quest to find out who he is, who his father is and something about a list.

I would like to be able to say that I didn’t really get what was going on because I wasn’t paying attention, but I was trying my hardest to make sense out of this movie and it just was not complying with me. The mystery and unease came from the mass waves of confusion the film was sending out.

We are introduced to the star studded cast of adults (including Jason Isaacs, Sigourney Weaver and Alfred Molina) and they prove to be nothing but chaperones to a particularly dull and unappealing high school dance that occasionally breaks out into highly choreographed fight sequences.

Now here’s where I’ll actually give the film some credit. Even though there was never any tension or logic in any of the fight sequences (why would Jason Isaacs leap-tackle an assassin when he has a perfectly good gun in his hand?!), I have to admit that all of them were well put together, especially on the sound editing/mixing side. There are four sequences if I remember correctly and they are all pulled off in a way that breathes occasional life into the otherwise stillborn film.

Aside from the fighting, there are also a number of unintentionally funny moments that rendered laughs not just from me, but from everyone in the audience. It was very clear that we were all laughing at the film’s stupidity and we were right there in the theater with the film-makers. Serious lines like “I will kill all of your friends on Facebook,” and “there’s a bomb in the oven” killed like a Jeff Foxworthy joke on Nascar day.

Illogical moves by the characters are frequently explained away with “because they’re watching us,” or “it would be harder to track us,” or “don’t you understand? We can’t just do that!” Taylor Lautner says that they need to jump into an open river to escape detection. This is obviously the worst choice anyone could make in this situation, but they still make their way out of the brush covered land to go for a midnight swim because it “would make them harder to track”.

Oh yeah, they probably did that so that Lily Collin’s would get cold (you can tell because she’s saying “brrrrrr.” I wish I was making that up,) and there would be an excuse to have a cute “cuddle by a tree and try to not get hypothermia” scene.

They conveniently have to drive a number of different types of cars (“because they’re watching us”), their entire journey detours them onto an Amtrak train (I remember the type of train because the logo is flashed no more less than fourteen times) and they all drink a lot of Coke and Diet Coke (with the labels facing the camera of course).

It all comes down to everyone trying to track down Taylor Lautner and his newly imprinted gal pal and frankly after a while the already stale game gets even staler. It was like someone had a vague idea for a film and tried to stretch it as far as it could go and then sealed down the sure thing by getting Taylor Lautner’s million dollar face on the poster.

Even the poster is more exciting than the movie. Y’know the poster that features Taylor Lautner sliding down what looks like the side of a building and there’s all the cool broken glass flying everywhere? I’ll break the news to you, he does it at the end of the film, and it’s not a building. It’s a weird glass statue that’s about ten to twenty feet tall and there is no broken glass.

That comparison is the absolute best way to compare this film to the advertisements. You were promised a thrilling action movie from the world’s newest action star and were left with an awkwardly sterile compilation of tame PG-13 danger.

Overall, the movie was an illogical mess packed with unintentionally funny moments, overtly obvious money grabbing and great actors that were given nothing good to say. Throw in a Justin Beiber joke and a steamy make out scene and you have Abduction.

Grade: D-

  • http://twitter.com/Annanass777 Anna Diehm

    this sounds like just the kind of movie my friend and I would go to make fun of it and look at Taylor Lautner – on DVD or television. But paying for that? Not so much.

  • Jen

    I sort of had a feeling that’s what it would be like.  Thanks for the review! 

  • Laura Jones

    haha this article totally made me lol

    “Her shoulder accidentally rubs against his bicep and she becomes tied to him forever”
    ” there would be an excuse to have a cute “cuddle by a tree and try to not get hypothermia” scene.”
    hahaha

    i have an unlimited cinema pass so i may just go and see it (especially because they are giving out free hunger games books with every abduction purchased ticket- a ploy to get more people to go maybe lol)

    • noodles

      that was pretty good about the shoulder rub. lol

  • Ilikecheesegirl

    I have sociology in my school…

    • lostinthegray

      I was going to say, I took sociology my senior year….

  • Ilikecheesegirl

    No offense Andrew, but if you weren’t paying attention can you really judge it?

    • Patrick McCoy

      This review was actually written by Jimmy Bean.

      • Laura

        Insert ironic joke about not paying attention, lol.

        • Mayvioletblackburn

          I don’t think you need to make a joke, the irony speaks for itself.

          • http://www.hypable.com James Bean

            Haha, also I just want to say that I was totally paying attention the whole time, that sentence was meant to convey that I would LIKE to say that I didn’t understand it because I wasn’t paying attention. I was rapt with attention and the movie still managed to confound me haha. 

          • Ilikecheesegirl

            I’ve been reading other reviews and a lot of people seem to be saying the same thing. Apparently the screenplay is awful!

          • Ilikecheesegirl

            I’ve been reading other reviews and a lot of people seem to be saying the same thing. Apparently the screenplay is awful!

      • Ilikecheesegirl

         You’re right, my mistake.
        I had just switched between two articles.

      • Ilikecheesegirl

         You’re right, my mistake.
        I had just switched between two articles.

  • anonymous

    Jimmy Bean, I have a bone to pick with you. I in fact took sociology in high school. XD Otherwise, I love the all out hatred for this film lol :D

  • Looney_lovegood

    I wanna see this.  Not because I like Taylor Lautner, but because this looks like the most HILARIOUS movie ever.

  • http://twitter.com/jessoneal84 Jessica O’Neal

    Hahaha, I love reading your reviews, Jimmy! You always make me laugh :)

  • Lynnae

    Best movie review ever. Good work, Hypable team/James!

  • Patrick McCoy

    MISSION TWEENPOSSIBLE!

  • http://twitter.com/RachelgurlFL Rachel Gay

    lol dang im forsure not seeing that

  • Anonymous

    At when Shia Labeouf was making a fool of himself there were bigger explosions…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000135602388 Lindsey Nestor

    i only wanted to see it so that i could see the hunger games trailer if it premiered with it

  • moonshoespotter1712

    oh gosh, so taylor is yet to have a ‘fresh’ rotten tomatoes movie

  • 7Starrchasers

    thanks for this….now I dont need to pay to watch this crap!

  • Anonymous

    Taylor Lautner stars in another horrible movie. Whoop-dee-doo.

    But did you hear anything of the Hunger Games Trailer premiering with the film? That’s all I care about…

    • Ilikecheesegirl

       The teaser from the MTV awards was before it, but nothing new.

      • http://www.rebellionradiopodcast.com Hurley

        Ah, that’s too bad.

  • Guest2

    this review is hilarious.

  • noodles

    I figured it would be bad. from the trailers I’ve seen, it looked like his acting hadn’t improved at all. throw in a terribly story line and it sounds like two hours of torture.  I think I can live without this one.

  • http://twitter.com/hprebel311 Phoebe Glick

    They conveniently have to drive a number of different types of cars (“because they’re watching us”), THEY’RE entire journey detours them onto an Amtrak train,It’s THEIR.  Jeez, Hypable, this is the second glaringly obvious grammar mistake I’ve found on the site today.  We’re internet junkies-we hate this stuff and it knocks you down hugely every time something this stupid crops up.  I know we’re all human and make mistakes but it’s one thing to leave a letter out of a word when typing fast, and completely another to type THE ENTIRELY WRONG WORD COMPLETE WITH APOSTROPHE.

    • http://www.facebook.com/AILTF Jimmy Bean

      My iPad (from which I post all of my stories) has that lame autocorrect feature that seems to think that “they’re” is the only spelling of the word. I had to go in manually and change each one. Thanks for pointing it out, I’m huge on grammar as well and very much know the difference between the two. 

  • Jason

    It was just a matter of time before he starred in a movie with “AB” in the title…

  • Nicola

    Seeing this film purely for the “shoulder moment” and The Hunger Games teaser.

  • Ink

    So i should pretty much wait until it comes out on dvd and rent it for a dollar at Redbox with my other lautnerphile friends?

  • Wolfgirl (TAYLOR FAN)

    It was’nt that bad i liked it, and my kids liked it. Did you know that Taylor did all the stunds him self? And it did’nt hurt to have him shirtless in the first 15 min:) GO TAYLOR!!!!!!

  • Beauty

    When I decided to use my Blockbuster Movie Pass to get the movie Abductions, I wasn’t thinking of Taylor Lautner or him with his shirt off. I was thinking that this guy could be a hit compare to what I’m use to seeing on Twilight. Now don’t get me wrong I know a lot of people don’t like Twilight but I don’t feel there is anything wrong with liking it, so I like it! Anyways, it did take convincing to get the movie Abduction from my co-workers at DISH because I’m not crazy about movies like this. Since they did throw in that I’m not wasting money just time, I thought, “Yeah, You’re right.” I love being a DISH customer and having deals like Blockbuster Movie Pass, that way I don’t worry about paying for horrible movies. Taylor Lautner did a great job in the movie Abduction for being his first lead role. Not a bad movie but I am glad I waited to get it.

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