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Don’t live in a boat. Wait, come back…

It happens to all of us, whether you’re standing around the water cooler at work having a chat (does anyone actually do this?) or abseiling down a cliff, someone will remind you about the newest episode of ‘Super Happy Fun Gang’ which was on last night. You race home at the end of the day, log onto your interwebs and visit ‘Super Happy Fun Gang TV-player.com’ to watch the episode on their catch-up TV player. When you get there, you look at the most up to date episode number and die inside. Super Happy Fun Gang Season 23, Episode 2. It is episode two of the new season. The ‘Super Happy Fun Gang TV-player.com’ only has a seven day catch up. You missed episode one. Your entire personal world ends, you fall to your knees in tears, pounding the floor, strangling your children and beating your wife in angst at the level of unfairness the world has imparted upon you. You have missed the first episode of the new series of your favourite ever TV show, which is even better than the West Wing, and you can’t even catch up on it online.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Of course it doesn’t, what’s wrong with you? Get yourself to the police station and hand yourself in. Wife beater. This doesn’t sound familiar because, in this day and age, the next best solution is just as easy: steal it (or whatever streaming online actually is). Whilst I wholeheartedly don’t suggest that you go out and commit a crime just to see which Eastenders cast member is pregnant now, it is foolish not to acknowledge that a significant portion of people do stream illegally on-line, and it’s probably rising. They will navigate away from ‘Super Happy Fun Gang TV-player.com’ onto ‘We have ALL THE THINGS for free.com’, where they can, at their leisure, watch any TV show in the world for as long as they want. Or for 72 minutes.

This rings more true for us Brits who tend to have to suffer for long periods of time awaiting the American TV shows of epic awesomeness to come to these shores. Castle Season One came here about three months ago, I think America is on season three now. Torchwood, the BRITISH Torchwood, came to our shores a week after you guys got it. There is only one way to follow these shows without the lengthy wait that is inevitable for newer shows… streaming them from ‘We have ALL THE THINGS for free.com’. Or invest in kitting your computer out with proxies of dubious security. Don’t get me wrong, it is a lot better than it was; Glee comes to Sky 1 two days after the American showing, and Two and a Half man was about 12 hours after the premier, but it isn’t perfect – not by a long shot. In the day and age of on demand consumerism and convenience everything, we want to be up to date now, and if we miss an episode, we don’t want to have to wait for the season repeat or for it to come out on a DVD box set.

There is a simple way for them to almost eradicate TV piracy and streaming sites. It is the very simple step of changing their entire business model. TV bosses need to get away from the fact that the TV, with all of its channels and its limitations, is dead. Similar to how music CDs are dead, they just haven’t yet stopped making them and should be dealt with a solid boot to the head. The business, the future, is internet based, legal streaming with complete access. Except, that future is literally now. This is where we should be, not what we should be aspiring to be, or what we think TV might be in a couple of years. The capabilities are really there, but no one is set up for that level of on demand TV. Some companies are barely set up for the level of catch up TV which companies seem to be telling us is what we want (ITV, I very sternly look at you here). We need to get away from catch up TV, and from the confines of TV channels as they are now. I don’t want to catch up on the TV I missed on the box this week, I don’t want to have my TV watching timetable prescribed to me, I want to watch my TV shows, any of them, now.

There is a case, a very good case, for all reputable TV stations to have their entire output replicated on the internet, but at a cost. Put 7 series of 40 minutes uninterrupted West Wing online, in high quality, at a measly cost per month (akin to Spotify, etc.) which can be supplemented by adverts before the show, and banners along the side or other such marketing touches, and general greatness will commence, all in lieu of TV Licensing. Once a TV series has ended, take it offline if it is heralding the way for the DVD box set or relegate it to an archive section with a different price point (let’s face it, it should be a different price to watch a brand new episode than one that is a million years old, like the Flintstones). And the thing is, American companies can have British, Canadian, Australian and Alaskan sites (with their Eskimo poetry) with the same content, but different adverts.

But there is a resistance to this, a huge resistance. And do you know what that is? That cash cow that is Reality TV. Shows such as ‘X-Factor’, ‘Enter Country Here’s Got Talent’, ‘I’m a Celebrity, Re-launch my Career’, and ‘Big Stab-Me-In-The-Eye Brother’ bring in so much money on advertising revenue, phone in charges and additional merchandising that there is no need for companies to think about changing their business model. They have a perfect one here, with so many idiots telephoning in to decide which of the incredibly irritating people are slightly more, or less, irritating than the others. There are actually TV shows, which we all know and watch, that make you pay to choose which of a selection of failed pop stars deserve to get training in singing, dancing, stage show, performing, etc. (which we are also paying for) in order to release singles and albums which people then pay for again! 10 live shows at £2 a vote, plus £10 for the physical music is a good £30 for an album right there. And it’s certainly not in the realms of music quality that the ‘The Boss’, or Iron Maiden produces, but it is incredibly bankable for the studios.

So there is the thing. People who like proper TV shows, the ones like The West Wing, Mad Men, Doctor Who, House, Fringe, The Sopranos, etc. have to suffer from TV studios stuck in the archaic past with token gestures to the future in order to prioritise the ever expanding rise of dire, disgusting and dull cash cows.

It’s easy to see which direction the studios would go if they ruled the world. And it’s easy to see why people have to resort to stealing to see the TV shows they love.